Contemplations on the Big Apple

Yesterday my mom helped me move my stuff back home and we had a looong talk on the way home. I guess it's a little weird for me to open up to my parents about things that I would tell my friends in a heartbeat. That doesn't sound right, does it? In any case, she had no idea before yesterday that I was planning on moving to New York for my internship (like I have a choice--I can't ask the publishing houses to relocate!). Of course once she knew, she dedicated a goodly portion of the ride home telling me about all the awful things about old Eastern cities in general and New York in specific. She kept saying that she wasn't trying to dissuade me from pursuing my dreams, but that she only wanted me to know what to expect. Hmm. While I do believe that she wants me to be prepared for anything, after the fifth random fact about New York's disgusting buildings or their rent prices, I started to believe maybe she wasn't too keen on the whole idea.

New York will be amazing. Dirty, expensive, hard, moldy, cold, lonely, exhausting, and amazing. I can't wait.

Sad

I'm sad. I don't want to leave. I don't want to keep mentally pushing away the people who are closest to me because I know that I won't be seeing them for a long time. It's a stupid defense mechanism. That's why I keep saying that I'll never see people again. Because I've got to get used to the idea, right? So saying it out loud helps me know that it is real. I hate today.

Blog: Special Christmas Edition

So yesterday I flew into Vegas at 11:35 a.m. I was supposed to be there at 10:00, but the plane was delayed for unknown reasons. I wonder if there was a bomb threat...nah. That would be way too cool to actually happen. I had downloaded a tv episode on my laptop for the flight because I hate just sitting for an hour, and I'd packed up all my books, but as soon as I got onto the plane, I fell asleep. I woke up when the plane skidded to a stop at McCarran Airport. I guess I shouldn't have stayed up so late the night before.

Then I had a delightful lunch in my dad's office. This year for Christmas we were supposed to make something for the person whose name we drew out of a hat, so my dad was carving a Welsh love spoon for my mom. He was on his fifth attempt, and his hands were covered in callouses and scabs while his desk was littered with tools and sawdust. He isn't the absolute best master woodsmith in the country, but he gets an A+ for sentiment.

As soon as I got home from the airport, my mom sent me out to pick up foodstuffs for Christmas Eve. Oh, and I needed to buy a white elephant gift. Have you SEEN Target on Christmas Eve? Holy cow, was it crowded. But I enjoyed the noise, panic, crowds, and desperation. I kind of like to be in the middle of a big fat mess as the only one with a calm disposition. It makes me feel kind of powerful.

Then Christmas Eve happened: we did our games and opened our small gifts and ate our food. My sister needed help wrapping presents, so afterwards I went to her house with three of my other sisters, but I don't think I was much help. I put her children to bed and told them a story (they like to decide what characters they'd like to be in the story--it's a big hit). As soon as the story was finished, I lay down for just a moment. I woke up at 7:00 this morning. Whoops. More tired than I thought.

Anyway, Christmas was great, I took tons of family pictures, and I loved being around the noise and the crowd and the laughter. And I'm a little tired again. My sister invited me to stay with her and her fiance for this next month to help them out with their business. I could use the work, and they do live in Arizona where it's still warm...hmm. Something to think about over the next day or so. My sister is playing Christmas music on the piano downstairs and my nephew Chris is showing me all the notes he learned on his new guitar. I love my family.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

I Wasn't Cut Out For Customer Service...

When I was 17 and a senior in high school I thought it would be nice to have a little money, so I got a job working at Mervyn's. It wasn't bad or anything, except that I was stuck in the "home section", which is where sad, tired, and cranky mothers go to buy their stupid bath towels during the half-off sales. I abso-friggin-lutely hated my contact with the penny-pinching shrews who shopped in my section.

One such delight came in late one night when I had had enough of people and the store was about to close. She tried to buy her bed sheets with two coupons and I explained to her that the store only allowed one coupon per person--news she did not receive well. But I was still clinging to my last vestiges of courtesy, and agreed to check the policy with a coworker whereupon I learned that I was wrong.

I respectfully apologized for my misunderstanding, at which point the lovely customer began ranting about how the customer is always right and how I should have known about the double coupon rule. She then demanded my name so that she could report me to my manager. By this time, I had had enough, so I calmly gave her my name and told her that I couldn't care less what she did because I got paid whether she bought something or not.

Her mouth fell open and, speechless, she walked away without purchasing her stupid sheets and without reporting me to anyone.

True story. I hate people.

Uh-oh

You know you're in trouble when you don't want to do the work that you have to do. Absolutely have to do. But don't want to. It's a problem...

...where the deer and the antelope play...

Homesick? For Provo?! Unheard of! And yet...

No News From Auschwitz

It's been nearly a week since I've last posted a blog, so I kind of feel guilty. It's always like this when I go home. I get so caught up with doing things and seeing things, that I lose track of all my regular habits. This is why I don't answer my phone, or remember to respond to text messages, or manage my facebook account. Granted, none of these things are crucial to life, but they are things I would be doing were I not in Las Vegas. I have nothing really to say, so I'll just list a few things I've gotten to do so far.

I had an eye appointment and was able to talk with a bunch of my old coworkers. They're all doing well apparently, though my new rigid gas permeables are irritating my eyes.

I went to a karaoke bar with a few friends and we watched the world grow steadily drunker. Is it odd that I feel comfortable around drunk people? I don't think I personally know very many people that drink a lot--if you don't count my graduating class, that is.

I went shopping with my sisters. I seem to be the only person in my family who enjoys the general atmosphere of the mall. Everyone else was dragging their feet, but maybe they hadn't noticed the giant dancing bears in the fountain and the twinkle lights around the jewelry displays. I love the mall.

I watched Up with my sisters last night. Stupid movie had me "not-crying" in the first twenty minutes. Seriously, Disney is magical.

I celebrated my sister's birthday with the family. I'd forgotten what eleven siblings, eight grandchildren, and four dogs could do to the ears; man, we were LOUD last night. It was wonderful.

So basically, I've done nothing since I got here, but I'm loving every minute of it. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an N64 version of Zelda that's just waiting for me to get reacquainted with it...

My Life Is Average

For those of you who don't know, there's a great website called My Life Is Average where people everywhere can post the crazy/fun/funny things that happened to them out of the blue. I have compiled some of my very favorites (of the moment). If you don't approve of the length, feel free to skip over the rest of this blog. Enjoy!

Today, I woke up abruptly in the night. Why? An owl crashed into my window. I'm waiting Hogwarts. I'm waiting. MLIA

Today my six-year-old daughter told me, with a serious face, that she firmly believes the black plague was a cover-up for the zombie apocalypse. MLIA

The other day I learned that if you say 'beer can' with an English accent, you're saying 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. Mind. Blown. MLIA

This morning, I walked into the kitchen to find my Dad drinking his coffee. When he took a big sip, I told him I was pregnant. He spit it out all over the table. I'm his son. MLIA

Today, I finally managed to say "Piii...kaa..." before I sneezed. MLIA

Today, I received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and it had reached a point where he needed to be sent outside. I don't have a son. That kid is a good liar. MLIA

Today, my friend explained to me that if you write 3.14 on a piece of paper and hold it in a mirror, it will say pie. Mind. Blown. MLIA

Today, I renamed my recycle bin "Azkaban". Then I made a folder and named it Voldemort. When I clicked delete, my computer asked me: "Are you sure you want to send Voldemort to Azkaban?" MLIA

Today, my mom had her first baby girl. my family already consists of 6 boys. I just realized that my family exactly parallels the Weasleys. I have never been so happy. MLIA

Last night while walking through the city, I saw 4 construction workers climb out of a sewer dressed as teenage mutant ninja turtles. We're all safe now. MLIA

Today, my teacher told us we would watch a movie and we all cheered. He started the movie. It was a video of him teaching. Touché. MLIA

Today, I was working in a haunted corn maze. As I was hiding, a couple of really obnoxious teenage boys walked by. One turned to his friend and said, "Dude, this is so lame--I'm not going to get scared AT ALL." Right at that moment I jumped out in front of him in full zombie costume. He screamed at the top of his lungs and punched me so hard in the face that I fell over. At least I know he'll survive a zombie attack. MLIA

Today I saw a hot guy that was singing the Pokemon theme song at the top of his lungs during our PE class. I sang along with him and afterwards he came up to me and said, "I chose you, Pikachu," while handing me a pokeball. I opened it and read the message inside. Guess who's got a date for prom? MLIA

Today, my best friend and I found out that our friend, who moved here from England when he was seven, reverts back to his English accent when he gets angry. We spent the rest of the day provoking him; it took him two hours to figure out why. MLIA

Today, my sister and I were hungry so we went through the McDonald's drive-thru. I drive an old, beat-up car, and when we pulled up to the window to get our food, the worker looked at me and sarcastically smirked, "Nice car." Without missing a beat, my ten-year-old sister leaned over the seat and said, "Nice job." That shut him up. MLIA

Today, I realized most of my friends have gotten swine flu, but I have not. They live in the suburbs; I live on a pig farm. MLIA

Today, I bought a fancy new black SUV Hummer. When I went to pick up my son from school, I put on a black suit, dark shades, and my blue-tooth earpiece. I waltzed into his last class ten minutes before it ended, and announced, "Agent 03, it's time to go," at which point he nodded, packed his belongings, and ran out. The expression on his teacher's face was priceless. I only hope my boss understands why I had to miss work. MLIA

Today, I received back a paper that I had spent hours writing. I noticed on the fourth page that my professor circled the word "fitty" (supposed to be fifty). In the margins, he wrote, "This ain't no gangsta schoo, G." I'm in law school. MLIA

Today I was bored so I picked up my Magic 8 ball. After a few rounds of questions, I noticed the warning label on the ball that said: "Not intended as a substitute for a human pregnancy test." I could not stop laughing. MLIA

Today, my uncle accidentally ran over his iPod with the lawn mower. He then collected all the pieces, put them in a ziplock bag, and sent the obliterated iPod to Apple with a note complaining that he couldn't get the iPod to turn on. MLIA

Yesterday, I was handing out candy when a costumeless boy came up and, wondering what he was, I asked. He looked at me with a straight face and said, ''I'm a serial killer. We look like everyone else.'' Easily made my night. MLIA

The brand of tampons I use has cheesy inspirational sayings on the wrappers like, "The sky is the limit" and stuff like that. Today, I noticed one that said "Focus on the positive: at least now you know you're not pregnant." Thanks Playtex Sport. MLIA

Today, I got a call from my grandmother's nursing home at 3 am. The nurse frantically explained to me that my grandmother had taken an older man hostage, requesting chocolate milk for his safe release. You go, Grandma. MLIA

Today, while waiting to be let into our classroom, we realized the door was jammed and the class before us was locked inside. After a team of maintenance men tried drills and hammers, two administrators tried master keys, and one janitor tried to pry it open with a crowbar, the quiet kid in my class took a running leap and karate kicked the door. Guess who got it open? MLIA

Today I cut my leg on a chair at school and got blood on my pants. Four of my friends came up to me and told me seriously that I had gotten my period, and one gave me a tampon. I'm a 15-year-old guy... who goes to an all boys school... who is still wondering where Bobby got that tampon. MLIA

Today I saw a street called Love Lane. It was a dead end. Figures. MLIA

Today I saw a little girl wearing a blonde wig and crazy clothes. At first, I didnt know who she was supposed to be, so I asked her. Her response? "A slut." While I gasped in suprise, her mom ran up and said, "No, no, Kayla! That's a bad word!" Then she turned to me and said, "She's Hannah Montana." I love Halloween. MLIA

Today, I let my cat outside. He usually comes back with a mouse or bird, but today he came back with a fully cooked lobster. It's good to know that my cat has class. MLIA

A while ago I introduced my father to my first boyfriend. The only thing my dad said to him was "If you hurt my daughter, remember I have a shovel and live next to the woods. No one will find the body." Several months later, my boyfriend broke up with me. Today, my dad and I were at Home Depot buying a shovel. My ex saw us, and my dad pointed to the shovel. The look on my ex's face was priceless. MLIA

Today, I realized that Microsoft Word puts the red squiggly line under "Ravenclaw" "Hufflepuff" and "Slytherin" ... but not "Gryffindor". Ten points to Gryffindor. MLIA

Today I walked past a rowdy bunch of big guys with a heap of tattoos, piercings--all that macho stuff. Since I'm a ridiculously short teenage girl, I felt kind of intimidated and so tried to shuffle past without drawing their attention. As I passed them I heard one of them exclaim "Dude, Barbie is heaps cooler than Bratz! What is your PROBLEM?" MLIA

Today I tried number 153 of 333 ways to get kicked out of Wal-Mart. It said to scream in pain until someone comes along and asks what's wrong then act as if nothing happened. I live where there are no Wal-marts so I went to Woolworth's and tried it. As I screamed in agony with my head was in my hands, someone came up behind me and said, "This isn't Wal-mart," patted my shoulder, and walked away. Touché. MLIA

Today, after seeing many MANY cars with the bumper sticker, "We are proud of our A+ honor student," I saw a car with the bumper sticker, "We are deeply ashamed of our B average student." It easily made my day. MLIA

Today, I was trying to outrun a person who was running across the street. I ran into a pole. As the other person pointed and laughed at me, he ran into a stop sign. MLIA

Today my aunt asked my six-year-old cousin what she would do if a stranger pulled up in a van and said, "Hey little girl, do you want some candy?" Her response? "Throw it to me!" Best idea I've ever heard. MLIA

Today was the final day of my class' mock trial. The trial was for a murderer whose defense was that his hand was crippled, disabling him from committing the murder. I was the prosecution and, as I was questioning him for the last time, I asked if he was thirsty and tossed him my water bottle. The student, only pretending to be the murderer, thought nothing of it when he caught the bottle with his "crippled" hand. I rested my case while the jury applauded. MLIA

Today I was volunteering at a nearby elementary school's carnival. They had a DJ operating the songs and at one point, Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA" came on. One student suddenly dropped to the floor screaming, "MY YOUTH! MY YOUTH! IT'S BEING CORRUPTED!!!" The DJ immediately turned off the music, apologized, and then started a Beatles song. I have faith in today's generation. MLIA

Today, a group of underage college students tried to get into the club where I work as a bouncer with IDs that belonged to Harry Potter, Optimus Prime, Tom Riddle, Fleur Delacour, and Ash Ketchum. Of course I let them all in without question. MLIA

Today, I was running late for class, so I texted my friend and told her to stall the teacher so he wouldn't remember to take roll. I arrived three minutes later to see my teacher and the entire AP statistics class doing the Thriller dance in unison while my friend blasted the song through her iPod speakers. I think I'm going to be late every day. MLIA

Today, while on the NYC subway, a really intimidating thug tapped me on the shoulder when I was changing the song on my iPod. I got really nervous that something bad was about to happen, but I acknowledged him anyway. Turns out he just wanted to show me he had the Glee! soundtrack on his iPod too. MLIA

A week ago I sent in an extension request form for my gas utilities bill. Under the section "reason for extension," I wrote in "attacked by pterodactyls." Today I received a two-week extension notification. Thank you, anonymous Consumers Energy employee. MLIA

Today I was in Australia visiting the zoo. I was on a bridge over a big pit which held saltwater crocodiles. By the railing was a sign that read "Please don't lean on the railing. If the fall doesn't kill you, the crocs sure as hell will." I had to get off the bridge I was laughing so hard. MLIA

Today I was sitting in English class, working in a group, when I mentioned that I was hungry and couldn't wait for class to get out. A guy sitting behind me turned around, pulled out a burger from his coat pocket, and said, "Will this do?" Yes, yes it would, strange burger boy. MLIA

Today, while zipping up my pants, I looked down and noticed that my pants came with instructions on how to wear pants. It's good to know that in a pants emergency, I will never have to worry. MLIA

Now you know of the goodness that is MLIA - go forth and have a perfectly average day.

Birthday Surprise

Emily, I've got a surprise for your birthday. I can't tell you what it is, so I thought I'd publicly post it on my blog--not the surprise, but the fact that I have one. I'm so excited!

A Note

Dearest Heather and Ian,

I'm so happy you could come to visit for a couple of days. What wonderful luck that you should be able to bring your dogs with you so that one of them could sleep on my bed. In other news, your horse of a dog has taken over my bed and my blanket, leaving me curled up in the coldest corner of my mattress, without a blanket, and without the ability to sleep. It is now 4:14 am and your beloved pet is snoring. I hope you all enjoyed your stay.

Warmest regards,

Camilla

Acordar

It would be so nice to remember things. I really wish I could, but it seems that often events, conversations, even entire people slip through my mind like I have a hole-y sieve for a memory. I don't think anyone really understands how truly frustrating this is, so I'll list a few of the wonderful things that have happened to me because of my bad memory:

I kept forgetting when I had set up study sessions with my classmates, and so missed 7 of our meetings over the course of the semester.

I paid a credit card bill twice in the same month because I forgot that I had already paid it, then forgot that I had paid it twice, and spent money that wasn't actually in my account. The bank kindly informed me of my blunder and charged me $30. Thank you, Ensign.

I forgot I had a class--I am NOT kidding--and slept in, thinking I had two hours before my first class of the day. Missed that entire class.

I forgot that the testing center closed early in the summer semester, and went to take a test on the last day of testing, only to find out that the center had closed an hour earlier.

I forgot the name of the guy who had asked me out, so I had to endure the entire date without ever calling him by his name. To this day, I still don't know.

I forget when it's Fast and Testimony meeting every effin' month and come to church well-fed and guilty.

I ask Rachel to be my neighbor on Cafe World, forget that I asked her, ask her again, forget again that I asked her again, and ask her a third time. Smiling, she tells me that I've asked her to be neighbors three times, and I can't for the life of me remember asking her more than once.

I continually ask about the health of a friend the entire evening, and he finally tells me he's not gonna answer me one more time, so I don't know how he even feels.

I forget assignment due dates, only to remember them far, far too late with the familiar, horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I never know how old my family members turn on their birthdays, the dates of which I can also never remember.

I have to constantly do the math to remember how old I am. It is actually difficult to keep track.

These are just a few little gems that I get to endure with this memory of mine. I only hope that none of you experience the same ordeals and that your memories will continue to remain sharp and effective. I also hope that I can remember your names tomorrow. Good grief...

Strange Thoughts

I realized today that I word-vomit almost everyday. The things I say are ridiculous and a lot of times outrageous, and I float through life under the impression that everyone understands that I'm not being sincere. If I WERE being serious about what I say, then here are a few of the bizarre things I'd have to make good on:

+I'd be engaged to a multitude of people, including two of my dearest female friends, my nephew, and the entire marching band class of 2005.

+I'd be an alcoholic, lesbian feminist with a drug habit.

+I'd hate everyone on this earth except for myself. And maybe a few select others.

+I'd be a professional bus driver, and would have kidnapped an entire busload of schoolchildren, ransomed them for retirement money, and run away to Mexico. (I still have the essay to prove this one.)

+I'd have founded a new country and subsequent theme park (Camillaland!) and placed myself at the head of the government. Democracy is for the other people of the world--I'd totally be King (Take note: I wouldn't be called a Queen. See feminist allusion above.)

+Absolutely everything in life actually would be either the best or the worst.

+I would have no memory whatsoever. (Wait, what am I writing? Why am I here? Who am I?)

+My sisters would all be hookers, and my favorite guy friends would all be German whores.

So you see from these choice few examples that I tend to exaggerate everything, and should not be taken seriously. I felt in all fairness that I should at least warn you so you can properly dismiss my meaningless ramblings in the future. It only seemed right.

Longfellow

You know how Henry Wadsworth Longfellow was incredibly long-winded? Yeah, so was my last blog posting. Sorry it was so freakishly long. I hate long blogs, and then I became the thing I despise. This must be what Darth Vader felt like when he joined the Dark Side...

Again--sorry, guys.

Little Red Riding Hood - the Politically Correct Version

---

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty-free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous--what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"

Winter Sucks

I hate the cold. Who likes it, really? How cool would it be if there were someplace in America where it rarely ever snowed? Probably someplace where there were casinos or something. Maybe it'd be cool if there were a temple there, too. But the coolest thing? If I were there RIGHT NOW!

Stewie's Backstory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cO9N5wJjII&NR=1

Lisa the Awesome

"So how long do you think it'll take for us to reach Hagar's hut?"

Greg turned to squint shrewdly at me for a minute before answering. "It's just up ahead," he said finally.

I eagerly pushed forward and saw the pale outline of a house through the mist of a sudden clearing. The closer we got, the sharper the house came into focus, until I could make out every single detail of its construction in the generous moonlight. I gasped.

The entire one-room cottage was made out of gingerbread. There were icing window shutters and licorice paneling with gumdrops lining the walk. I could just make out the sparkling rooftop of shimmering sprinkles before I stopped dead. "No way," I said. "There's just no way. HER?" I asked the fairy, pointing to the house. "Do you mean to tell me that Hagar the witch is the same nasty old hag who tried to eat Hansel and Gretel?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Greg sniffed airily, "but if you mean those two children approaching her house, then no, Hagar hasn't eaten them yet."

"Wha--?" I whirled back around to face the house. "Hey! Hey, kids, what are you--Greg!" I turned back to face him but that useless fairy had already disappeared. At the speed his wings could go, he was probably already back home in his swamp by now. Talk about useless.

I ran forward to approach the children Greg had pointed out. They had just reached the cottage from the other side of the clearing and were stretching forth their hands to tear off a strip of licorice when I reached them. "Whoa! Unh-uh! What are you kids doing? You can't just eat somebody's property just because it happens to be delicious! What's the matter with you two?"

I was yelling at two blond-haired, blue-eyed twins who looked to be about nine years old. At the moment, they were looking scared out of their minds, and so thin that I knew they must have missed several meals in the last few days.

The little boy looked to be the leader of the operation, because at my rebuke, he blushed. "Please, miss," he said, "we meant no harm. It's just that we haven't had anything to eat since morning and we're terribly hungry."

I sighed, completely softened by their meager appearance, and rolled my eyes upward to the giant moon above. "Let me guess: you left a trail of breadcrumbs and the birds ate them, so now you can't find your way home."

The two children stared at me in wonder. The little girl managed to croak out, "Are--are you Hagar, the witch?"

"What? No! I'm Lisa, the Awesome. And trust me, you do not want to meet up with Hagar." I leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "I hear she eats children."

Homecoming

It's homecoming weekend at BYU! Hurray! There's nothing I love more than being woken by the dull pounding of the marching band, the honks of the floats, and the cheering of the crowd right outside my apartment. Blah.

The Many Adventures of Bus Girl!

Today I rode the bus by myself. I'd never done that before. It was difficult to have to pay attention to where the stops were and to try to ignore creepy staring guy sitting across from me. But I did it. And all by myself!

I am woman; hear me roar.

C/r/ap

I like to read English usage dictionaries because they're the best way to keep up on our evolving language so that I can be an effective editor someday. Often I find the passages pretty humorous because our language is way more confusing than I ever imagined. Take, for example, the issues of gender equality. Can you use the pronoun “he” to represent a vague person in a sentence? You know, like “Anyone can wear his jacket to the prom.” Is that okay, or is it sexist?

Some linguists argue that the general use of the pronoun “he” is non-inclusive. In human words, that means that using “he” when you mean either a man or woman is bad. The feminists apparently tried for years to make pronouns more inclusive. They tried to use “he/she” or “s/he” to represent both “he” and “she”. Those examples are even more ridiculous to me, but hey, that’s linguistics.

My personal favorite, of course, is the argument that the gender-neutral pronoun “it” should be included as well (lest those non-gender humans feel excluded). The suggestion for inclusion in this case is “s/h/it”, which seems a fair representation of what language is coming to in the hands of people who think far too much and not at all, all at the same time.

Good Point

So tonight I was hanging out with my good friend Rachel at my place. I was telling her about a mutual friend of ours who had "totally called me out on my crap last night."

Rachel, without missing a beat, immediately asked, "Which crap?"

I started to respond when I realized that she had asked "which" crap instead of "what", indicating that, with me, there's surely more than one thing I bs about. Then I was on the floor laughing and could no longer continue my story.

Despite Rachel's swift apologies and protestations that she had meant to say "what", I couldn't help thinking: "Good point, Rachel. Good point."

Holy Crap!

Yikes! What a night!

Memories of Halloween

So Halloween is by far my favorite holiday. I love that there are activities you can do at night and that people get to dress up and pretend to be something else. I love the cool weather and the carmel apples, the jack-o-lanterns and the tp-ing of people's houses. Pranks, ghouls, parties, haunted houses...all of this makes Halloween one of the more festive holidays of the year. Today I reflected on Halloweens of my past, and certain memories resurfaced:

I remember when my brother Stephen didn't know what he was going to dress as, so my oldest brother Chris threatened to strip him naked and paint his entire body black. He would go as a piece of tar, Chris claimed with his mischievous grin. But my mother flat-out said no, so Stephen was spared the embarrassment.

I remember going to the trunk-or-treat every year in the church parking lot because my parents thought Halloween was too dangerous in Las Vegas for us to span the neighborhoods. Trunk-or-treating is safer, even if the candy-haul isn't quite as impressive.

I remember finally being old enough to hang out with my friends when I was 13, when we dressed up and went haunted house-hopping all over town. That was the scariest thing I'd ever done to date and it was awesome to be around all the drunk, laughing older teenagers who frequent the haunted houses.

I remember finally realizing how truly disgusting bobbing for apples really is, with person after person dunking and salivating into the same small barrel of apples. From then to now, I've never bobbed for apples. And I never will.

And I remember the last Halloween I was in Las Vegas (2007), when I totally ditched the second half of my three-hour Tuesday night poli sci class so that I could go to the church parking lot and pass out (ie eat) Halloween candy. My trunk was just the right size because I own a Hyundai Sante Fe, so my sisters crawled in the back with me and we all talked, laughed and occasionally shared the bowl of candy with trunk-or-treaters.

Halloween is magical. Don't anyone try to tell me different.

Insomnia

I couldn't sleep and decided, after spending the last four hours reading blogs, that maybe I should start my own. The whole concept of a blog seems stupid for me because I don't know who would read it, thereby making it difficult for me to write something entertaining according to that particular reader's interests. Also, contrary to my insistent need to talk at all times, I don't share many poignant details about my life because it makes me defensive thinking about anyone "in my business." It's an irrational mode of thinking, but my privacy has always been forefront to my actions, so there you are.

That being said, I suppose I will have to make this blog relate only harmless details. Tonight I'll share ten facts about myself in the hopes that I won't ever have to do that again, and can, in the future, write instead about events safe in the knowledge that my reader(s) understand the character of the author. So here goes:

1. I don't like people in general.

2. I pretend to like people because they can't help being people and really, there's no need to be rude about it.

3. My favorite color is yellow because it's so cheerful and brightens anything, including my mood.

4. I love road trips but hate long car rides.

5. Having nine sisters, I think I understand the female psyche pretty well, but men frankly baffle me.

6. I have a deep and abiding love for chocolate but the smell of flowers (particularly roses) makes me feel nauseated.

7. I enjoy the freedom of college but am terrified of life after school.

8. I don't handle serious commitment very well.

9. I'd rather burn to death than freeze to death.

10. My biggest pet peeve is rude people; they make me want to be seriously rude to them.

Now you know everything about me. May it serve you well.