Winter Sucks

I hate the cold. Who likes it, really? How cool would it be if there were someplace in America where it rarely ever snowed? Probably someplace where there were casinos or something. Maybe it'd be cool if there were a temple there, too. But the coolest thing? If I were there RIGHT NOW!

Stewie's Backstory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cO9N5wJjII&NR=1

Lisa the Awesome

"So how long do you think it'll take for us to reach Hagar's hut?"

Greg turned to squint shrewdly at me for a minute before answering. "It's just up ahead," he said finally.

I eagerly pushed forward and saw the pale outline of a house through the mist of a sudden clearing. The closer we got, the sharper the house came into focus, until I could make out every single detail of its construction in the generous moonlight. I gasped.

The entire one-room cottage was made out of gingerbread. There were icing window shutters and licorice paneling with gumdrops lining the walk. I could just make out the sparkling rooftop of shimmering sprinkles before I stopped dead. "No way," I said. "There's just no way. HER?" I asked the fairy, pointing to the house. "Do you mean to tell me that Hagar the witch is the same nasty old hag who tried to eat Hansel and Gretel?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Greg sniffed airily, "but if you mean those two children approaching her house, then no, Hagar hasn't eaten them yet."

"Wha--?" I whirled back around to face the house. "Hey! Hey, kids, what are you--Greg!" I turned back to face him but that useless fairy had already disappeared. At the speed his wings could go, he was probably already back home in his swamp by now. Talk about useless.

I ran forward to approach the children Greg had pointed out. They had just reached the cottage from the other side of the clearing and were stretching forth their hands to tear off a strip of licorice when I reached them. "Whoa! Unh-uh! What are you kids doing? You can't just eat somebody's property just because it happens to be delicious! What's the matter with you two?"

I was yelling at two blond-haired, blue-eyed twins who looked to be about nine years old. At the moment, they were looking scared out of their minds, and so thin that I knew they must have missed several meals in the last few days.

The little boy looked to be the leader of the operation, because at my rebuke, he blushed. "Please, miss," he said, "we meant no harm. It's just that we haven't had anything to eat since morning and we're terribly hungry."

I sighed, completely softened by their meager appearance, and rolled my eyes upward to the giant moon above. "Let me guess: you left a trail of breadcrumbs and the birds ate them, so now you can't find your way home."

The two children stared at me in wonder. The little girl managed to croak out, "Are--are you Hagar, the witch?"

"What? No! I'm Lisa, the Awesome. And trust me, you do not want to meet up with Hagar." I leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "I hear she eats children."

Homecoming

It's homecoming weekend at BYU! Hurray! There's nothing I love more than being woken by the dull pounding of the marching band, the honks of the floats, and the cheering of the crowd right outside my apartment. Blah.

The Many Adventures of Bus Girl!

Today I rode the bus by myself. I'd never done that before. It was difficult to have to pay attention to where the stops were and to try to ignore creepy staring guy sitting across from me. But I did it. And all by myself!

I am woman; hear me roar.

C/r/ap

I like to read English usage dictionaries because they're the best way to keep up on our evolving language so that I can be an effective editor someday. Often I find the passages pretty humorous because our language is way more confusing than I ever imagined. Take, for example, the issues of gender equality. Can you use the pronoun “he” to represent a vague person in a sentence? You know, like “Anyone can wear his jacket to the prom.” Is that okay, or is it sexist?

Some linguists argue that the general use of the pronoun “he” is non-inclusive. In human words, that means that using “he” when you mean either a man or woman is bad. The feminists apparently tried for years to make pronouns more inclusive. They tried to use “he/she” or “s/he” to represent both “he” and “she”. Those examples are even more ridiculous to me, but hey, that’s linguistics.

My personal favorite, of course, is the argument that the gender-neutral pronoun “it” should be included as well (lest those non-gender humans feel excluded). The suggestion for inclusion in this case is “s/h/it”, which seems a fair representation of what language is coming to in the hands of people who think far too much and not at all, all at the same time.

Good Point

So tonight I was hanging out with my good friend Rachel at my place. I was telling her about a mutual friend of ours who had "totally called me out on my crap last night."

Rachel, without missing a beat, immediately asked, "Which crap?"

I started to respond when I realized that she had asked "which" crap instead of "what", indicating that, with me, there's surely more than one thing I bs about. Then I was on the floor laughing and could no longer continue my story.

Despite Rachel's swift apologies and protestations that she had meant to say "what", I couldn't help thinking: "Good point, Rachel. Good point."

Holy Crap!

Yikes! What a night!

Memories of Halloween

So Halloween is by far my favorite holiday. I love that there are activities you can do at night and that people get to dress up and pretend to be something else. I love the cool weather and the carmel apples, the jack-o-lanterns and the tp-ing of people's houses. Pranks, ghouls, parties, haunted houses...all of this makes Halloween one of the more festive holidays of the year. Today I reflected on Halloweens of my past, and certain memories resurfaced:

I remember when my brother Stephen didn't know what he was going to dress as, so my oldest brother Chris threatened to strip him naked and paint his entire body black. He would go as a piece of tar, Chris claimed with his mischievous grin. But my mother flat-out said no, so Stephen was spared the embarrassment.

I remember going to the trunk-or-treat every year in the church parking lot because my parents thought Halloween was too dangerous in Las Vegas for us to span the neighborhoods. Trunk-or-treating is safer, even if the candy-haul isn't quite as impressive.

I remember finally being old enough to hang out with my friends when I was 13, when we dressed up and went haunted house-hopping all over town. That was the scariest thing I'd ever done to date and it was awesome to be around all the drunk, laughing older teenagers who frequent the haunted houses.

I remember finally realizing how truly disgusting bobbing for apples really is, with person after person dunking and salivating into the same small barrel of apples. From then to now, I've never bobbed for apples. And I never will.

And I remember the last Halloween I was in Las Vegas (2007), when I totally ditched the second half of my three-hour Tuesday night poli sci class so that I could go to the church parking lot and pass out (ie eat) Halloween candy. My trunk was just the right size because I own a Hyundai Sante Fe, so my sisters crawled in the back with me and we all talked, laughed and occasionally shared the bowl of candy with trunk-or-treaters.

Halloween is magical. Don't anyone try to tell me different.

Insomnia

I couldn't sleep and decided, after spending the last four hours reading blogs, that maybe I should start my own. The whole concept of a blog seems stupid for me because I don't know who would read it, thereby making it difficult for me to write something entertaining according to that particular reader's interests. Also, contrary to my insistent need to talk at all times, I don't share many poignant details about my life because it makes me defensive thinking about anyone "in my business." It's an irrational mode of thinking, but my privacy has always been forefront to my actions, so there you are.

That being said, I suppose I will have to make this blog relate only harmless details. Tonight I'll share ten facts about myself in the hopes that I won't ever have to do that again, and can, in the future, write instead about events safe in the knowledge that my reader(s) understand the character of the author. So here goes:

1. I don't like people in general.

2. I pretend to like people because they can't help being people and really, there's no need to be rude about it.

3. My favorite color is yellow because it's so cheerful and brightens anything, including my mood.

4. I love road trips but hate long car rides.

5. Having nine sisters, I think I understand the female psyche pretty well, but men frankly baffle me.

6. I have a deep and abiding love for chocolate but the smell of flowers (particularly roses) makes me feel nauseated.

7. I enjoy the freedom of college but am terrified of life after school.

8. I don't handle serious commitment very well.

9. I'd rather burn to death than freeze to death.

10. My biggest pet peeve is rude people; they make me want to be seriously rude to them.

Now you know everything about me. May it serve you well.