October? Already?!

So it's been almost exactly six months since I last wrote in this blog. I am duly ashamed. To commemorate this miserable milestone, I pulled this little gem from Single Dad Laughing (which is a kind of cool blog, btw). Enjoy.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO SOMEONE WHO'S SINGLE (complete with what would be awesome responses from Dan Pearce, SDL):

• So, why are you single?
  Ummm, maybe because I don’t shower and I hate puppies.
• Just have fun with it!
  Thank you. You’ve just solved all my problems. I was purposefully NOT having fun with it.
• Have you tried online dating?
  Match.com didn’t work so I guess my next move is Craigslist.
• It just wasn’t meant to be.
  Thank you. I’ve been hoping to find somebody who knows the complete plans of the universe. So tell me, all knowing, who IS meant to be?
• It will happen when you least expect it.
  How can I expect it less than never?
• There are plenty of fish in the sea.
  Thank you for rubbing my nose in my inability to get any of them.
• You’re just too picky.
  So, you’re saying I should settle?
• Are you kidding? I wish I was single and in your shoes.
  Poor baby.
• You’re so attractive! What seems to be the problem?
  How do I answer this without making you or me look like a jerk?
• Maybe you’re not trying hard enough.
  Oooooh. That must be it. I think what you’re really saying is that I’m not easy enough.
• He just hasn’t found you yet.
  Oh, well, then I guess I’ll stop looking and wait for him to come to me!
• When are you going to get married?
  When are you going to let me kick you in the teeth?
• There  are so many great guys/girls out there.
  So, are you saying that I’m not one of them since they’re so readily abundant and I’m still alone?
• You have such a pretty face, I bet if you lost weight you could find a man!
  And I bet if you gained weight you’d be mistaken for a Manatee. 
• I’m sorry.
  For what? Making me feel like a piece of crap?
• You’ll be complete some day.
  Yes, because I’m so incomplete now. Thank you.
• You’ll always be single until you fix yourself up.
  Meaning… I have to be someone other than me?
• At least you don’t have any responsibilities.
  At least you don’t have any tact.

You’re not getting any younger!
And you’re not getting anything in my will. 

Oh, you’re the unmarried one.
Oh, you’re the one with a ridiculously large forehead. 

From married moms: oh, it sucks that I am going to be a single mom for the next three days while my husband is out of town.
From single moms: Oh, I’m sorry. You have to go three days without help while somebody goes somewhere to make some money for you. If you need anything, let me know.

Your kids will give you all the love you need.
Yes, because who needs a partner to hug, kiss, and have awesome sex with. Certainly not me.

Are you gay?
If I told you I was, would you get off my back?

You’re too skinny.
You’re too fat. Let’s hug and pretend we don’t despise each other. 

Good luck, all the good ones are either taken, gay, or still attached to their mothers’ breasts.
First of all, that doesn’t make any sense. Second of all, huh?

It must be so nice to be single.
It must be so nice to be stupid.

You know, your biological clock is ticking.
Thank you for the reminder. So is yours, which means a drop kick to your face won’t heal as quickly.

Maybe if you didn’t look like a mom.
That’s right… I’m trying to trick people into liking me and then I’ll spring my parental status on them at the last possible moment.

Come on over…you won’t be a third wheel!
Well, I wasn’t going to feel that way before, but now…

You’re smart and independent and already have kids, you don’t need a man anyway.
I can see your reasoning. So are you saying that you are dumb and dependent? Cause that’s all I hear.

Beggars can’t be choosers.
So, I’m officially at beggar status. Please sir… can you spare a girlfriend for a guy down on his luck?

It’s going to be hard to find a man who wants an instant family.
It’s going to be hard to find your contact lenses after I punch you in the face.

Your self confidence scares guys off.
I think you’re onto something. I’ll start acting like a pushover doormat. That’ll bring me the right kind of guy.