On Being Protective

So yesterday I went to Smith's to pick up some formula for Scarlet. The weather had turned a little crummy and it was windy with occasional rain drops falling, so I hurried to carry Scarlet into the store. She was wearing her big jacket over her clothes but she only had socks on because the pink boots I bought this weekend were too small and I needed to exchange them after I picked up her formula. I threw her hood on, hugged her tightly to my body, and walked quickly toward the doors. My heart pounded extra fast as I dashed across the parking lot because I worry that cars won't see us and they'll hit us. I was caught behind two older women crossing the parking lot very slowly and I worried they might reach out and touch Scarlet (and give her the bubonic plague). Inside the store, a nice employee handed me a cart and I thanked him but pushed the cart a few feet away before strapping Scarlet into it. I always worry that strangers will attack me because if it came down to protecting Scarlet or saving my wallet, I'd lose my wallet and bad men probably know that. I wanted a few feet of space so I could keep an eye on the nice man.

Inside the store we went straight to the baby food aisle and I mused over some sippy cups until a woman walked down the aisle and eyed Scarlet. I quickly tossed some formula into the basket and hurried to the checkout stand. I worry that women in close proximity to her will touch her or talk to her or ask to hold her. At the checkout lane the cashier was an older man who liked to talk about his grandkids in a baby voice addressed to Scarlet. I couldn't hand him my coupon. I couldn't hand him my rewards card. I could not get away from him for the longest time, and panic was starting to rise in my throat. I'm always torn when cashiers  notice my baby because I worry I'll get stuck having to talk to them or that they might stroke Scarlet's cheek (and give her yellow fever).

I hurried back to the exit but was distracted by the Redbox station and stopped to scan the movies. The nice man who gave me my cart was talking to another employee close by and they spotted Scarlet and began to tell me all about how pretty she is and how cute babies are. I was petrified that they were going to steal my cart with the baby in it while I was stuck waiting for a dumb movie to dispense. I tossed the movie into my bag and dashed back out into the parking lot, where I ran to the car. I dumped the formula inside and then pushed the cart to a return stall with Scarlet still in it. I always worry about leaving her in the car while I'm returning a cart. Some stranger could jump in the car and drive away with her. I unbuckled her from the cart and hurried back to my car, terrified some crazy driver was going to come careening around the corner and plow into us. I got to my car and start to buckle her in, fumbling in my hurry. I always fear that some stranger will sneak up from behind while I'm stuck buckling in my baby and he'll steal my money or my car or my baby. I finally pull away from the death store and head to the mall to exchange Scarlet's boots.

Taking Scarlet out is stressful, and worrisome, and sometimes terrifying. She runs the risk of being touched by strangers, stolen, or catching SARS from the bad weather every time I carry her outside. I used to love running errands or going out at night. I still love being out, but when I have to bring Scarlet (which is always), it turns into a terrifying game of Russian roulette. We typically stay in these days.