New Years!

So many resolutions this year! I love setting resolutions for New Years because I only started doing it last year, so it's still new and fun for me. I keep my resolutions private because there's a good chance I won't get them all done or even be able to complete just one of them, but there's something so motivating about planning out where you want to be over the course of the next year, and determining what things you are likely able to accomplish within that time.

A year is a long time, so my goals tend to be pretty big. But that's okay, because if I half-complete half of my goals, I'll consider myself an amazing success next December. For example, one of my resolutions is that I want to read a certain number of books by the end of the year. I've already finished my first one and I'm ecstatic about that, but it did take me five days of pretty hefty reading, so it may not be possible for me to read all the books I want, but I'm so excited to try!

In other news, Josh and I went to see the zoo lights at Hogle Zoo last Thursday night. It was beautiful and fun but we chose the world's coldest day to go, so we didn't stay for even an hour. Josh got some pretty amazing pictures while I wisely kept my hands in gloves. We also enjoyed seeing the Hobbit with Josh's family on Christmas day and we're going to watch Les Miserables on New Year's Eve. I'm excited to see the movie because those were the two I really wanted to take in this year. I've really lost my interest in the silver screen ever since movies started to suck. Or my perception of movies changed? In any case, something happened and now there are the same number of movies being produced each year but I'm less and less inclined to spend even the dollar theater prices to watch them. I don't think I'm a movie snob, though, because I watch tons of television. I just think the films that are being produced are pretty lame and not worth my money. At least with crappy tv, you're not wasting any money.

Anyway, I've got a book to start reading by the light of our Christmas tree. It's our last night of having the tree up, so I wanted to make sure it was lit tonight. It's pretty, but I'm excited to get all that stuff packed up and put away so we can have a little more space in our living room. Happy New Year's Eve Eve, everyone!

Bigger than I realized...

I'm just sitting on my bed, munching on the delightful winter treat White Fudge Oreos (read: waist-killer), reminiscing about this past Wednesday night when I made taco soup for dinner. I was stirring a huge pot of kidney beans, chili beans, corn, ground beef, onions, diced tomatoes, and some choice seasonings when I started to smell something...off. It didn't smell like food, so I immediately looked at the stove burner. Sometimes food gets dropped underneath the electric burner and it can start to scorch if we don't catch it. Sure enough, there were a couple of french fries underneath there (how on earth?!), so I moved the cooking pot to a back burner, turned off the front burner, and grabbed a couple of hot pads. Carefully, I lifted the still-hot burner and grabbed those burnt fries and chucked them in the garbage. Problem solved, I figured. The weird burnt smell had dissipated so I didn't think anything more of it as I finished making dinner.

Later that night as Josh and I were doing our schoolwork on the couch, I happened to smooth out my shirt and feel something scratchy. Looking down at the hemline of my shirt I realized what I had smelled earlier: the plastic-y, melted smell of burning cloth. I had burned my own shirt at the hemline! There were a couple of holes and two sections of material that had literally just melted upward. The material of this business professional maternity blouse happens to be a little water-resistant, so it's got the texture of quasi-plastic, but when exposed to extreme heat it just looks like plain old melted plastic.

Naturally, I was pretty appalled at myself. Two facts stuck out pretty vividly to me: One, that I could have lit myself on fire if I had been working with a gas stove instead of an electric one; and Two, that I am much bigger than I realized. Normal pre-pregnant me would never have gotten that close to the stove top, but pregnant me is wearing a lot of layers these days, doesn't notice extra heat because she's always hot, and is sticking her belly into things that aren't safe (things like burning metal coils).

Ten more weeks of this crazy. In the meantime, I have White Fudge Oreos to comfort me...

Babyface Josh

This Christmas will be the third I spend with that one guy I married. He is so cute. He graduates from college in two weeks and it makes me a little nostalgic. It doesn't help that I've been going through my old photos of him and marveling at how different he looks now from when we first met. Seriously--he looked like a skinny little boy when I met him. How was I attracted to that? It's practically pedophilia!

Here is a brief album depicting the transformation of boyish Josh into man Josh:

April 2010

November 2009

December 2009

April 2010

March 2010

September 2010

December 2010

March 2011

July 2011

October 2011

August 2012

August 2012

So you can see in this collage of not-quite-chronological photos, that he went from looking extremely young to looking...slightly less young. I mean, check out that 2009 photo! It's hard to believe he was 23 at the time. Maybe that's why he keeps trying out different kinds of facial hair. His Novembeard is coming off this weekend and I have to admit, I'll be a little sad to see it go. He finally looks like a 25-year-old almost-graduate with a full beard.

Here's the most recent photo, with his oldest-looking face yet:

And who knows? Maybe in ten years he'll actually look his age.

Christmas is Coming!

It's different for me, but this year I am so excited for Christmas. There really isn't a good reason for it since it will be so similar to all the other Christmases, but there are a couple of small explanations that have me so looking forward to the next holiday. The first explanation is that Josh and I are almost finished Christmas shopping even though it's not even December. We barely buy presents at all--just a couple names we draw from family and something for each other--so it's not that impressive to be almost done, but I'm still happy about it. Then there's the fact that Christmas means Scarlet is that much closer to being here. She has now officially screwed up my hips so that I have adopted a weird hobbly gait to avoid the worst muscle spasms, but that just means that she's preparing to arrive and it makes me all kinds of excited. Christmas means just six more weeks before Scarlet. Another reason is that I'll be that much closer to finishing my MBA. I'll be another month down, and hopefully another couple of classes closer to the end.

Also, Josh graduates this next month, so Christmas will truly be a beginning. Josh will be free! He'll have a job but nothing else to take up 60% of his day, so I'll get to see him more. That is the best present of all. And this year Josh and I are going to celebrate an early Christmas with my family in Las Vegas and then hightail it back up to Utah for traditional Christmas celebrations with his family. We get double Christmas this year! This is the first year since I've been married that I've been able to be with my family for the holiday, and that may be the biggest reason for why I am SO EXCITED this year.

Everything is just looking rosy right now. I hope nothing happens to ruin that because we're preparing for a great end of the year and an exciting new year. Now if only we can all make it another 28 days...

Pregnancy Brain

When I was a teenager watching my older sisters experience their own pregnancy woes, I vowed that I would not allow myself to fall into the cliche trap of "pregnancy brain". This is the mythological concept that pregnant women tend to be more forgetful, absent-minded, and scatterbrained than usual. One of my sisters theorized that because your body is working so hard to grow a baby, your brain is distracted with the more important subconscious things, and less inclined to stay tuned to your conscious thoughts. That just sounds like lazy thinking and a bunch of excuses, thought my teenage-year-old self. Fast forward to now.

On Saturday I stopped by BYU after book club to drop off a bunch of old textbooks. I was only gone for 20 minutes but when I got back to my car I saw that my driver's side door had been left open. I was so distracted by getting the books out of the trunk, I forgot to shut the darn thing. Then today I was at the grocery store and I was so concerned with reading my gift receipt for a present that I left half my groceries with the cashier. He had to call me back so I could collect them. It was a proud moment.

You guys, I'm starting to worry that I have pregnancy brain. So I did a little research and this article made me feel a little better. It stressed that pregnant women can be a little forgetful and are prone to distraction because their babies are ALWAYS on their minds (true story), but that when they are focused on a single task, they are capable of the same cognitive function as non-pregnant women. So I haven't lost my brain, but when I lose focus, I immediately forget whatever it was I was doing before I focused on the new distraction. Add to that the fact that Scarlet plays around enough to constantly remind me of her presence, and it makes sense that I can't always remember to turn the stove on when I'm making dinner (Josh figured that one out) or that I keep forgetting to take the butter out of the microwave at 7 seconds, not 30 (seriously, that happened twice just today). You'd never know that I graduated from college, that I'm a professional editor, or that I'm in a graduate program. All you can tell by watching me is that I keep losing my cell phone and I can't remember why I walk into certain rooms.

New Trend

I noticed a new trend that has me kind of worried. On Saturday Josh and I went to the mall together. This is a rare experience for us because if there's something Josh hates more than Satan, it's shopping. But he loves me, so he went with. We were at the mall and had wandered through two department stores for about ten minutes each when I discovered that I was utterly exhausted and my back hurt so much I had to find a chair to sit down in.  What the what? Shopping rejuvenates me. The last time I went shopping I spent three hours of utter bliss trying on clothes and wandering into any store that struck my fancy. I came back from that trip fantasizing about the next time I'd be able to go. Well this "next time" totally sucked. After maybe thirty minutes of tragic limping through three stores, I gave up and begged Josh to take me home so I could take a nap.

And so the third trimester begins.

Election Day!

So today was an oddly busy day. I was surprisingly busy at work today because lately I've had quite a lot of work to do and it's been awesome. I love being busy at work because it makes the time go so quickly and I feel so productive and useful. I currently have a project with actual meetings and items to upload and all of that takes time, so I'm pretty happy these days while at work.

Then I had a few hours after work to focus on some schoolwork. This is less cool, because I got my resubmitted task returned AGAIN and I can't for the life of me figure out why these evaluators are asking for specific things that are not requested in the task or the rubric. But whatever. I'll keep resubmitting until they admit that I'm incredibly thorough and their job sucks. Or at least until they pass me. It took me several hours to submit two tasks today, but that's two tasks, so that's great progress on school for the day.

Then Josh came home and we walked to our library and voted! I love voting! It makes me feel like a good citizen. Last night for FHE, Josh and I researched each individual candidate for EVERY office until we could come up with valid reasons for voting for certain people. Then I wrote down all the people I decided I liked because there's no way I'd be able to remember everyone by the time I voted. We even looked up the pros and cons of the Utah constitutional amendments and that one proposition. By far the most boring research was determining whether each of the seven judges up for their next term should be retained. So boring. So long. But it all paid off, because tonight I was able to bring my little cheat sheet to the library and vote for all the people I had chosen. I also got a voting sticker and shall wear it as a badge of honor.

When we got back home, we ate some dinner and both sat down to do our respective homeworks. I really need to get this term finished before Scarlet comes and she's big enough now that she constantly reminds me of her impending arrival. So I spent another couple of hours working through some assignments for my third class. I didn't start any of the tasks for this class because I figured two and a half hours of work is enough for one evening (not counting the task submissions from this afternoon) and I gave myself the rest of the evening off. Poor Josh is still working on his schoolwork because Wednesday is the day that he has all his classes so all of his assignments are due that day. He usually spends all Tuesday night working on homework so I know to just ignore him for the evening.

He has been periodically calling out updates about the presidential race, though. Earlier on, Romney was ahead but now Obama is ahead. If California goes to Obama, which wouldn't surprise me in the least, Obama could win this. Josh keeps pulling up individual states' data and the polling information from CNN. It's making me anxious every time he announces some new fact. I just hate this part of the process--waiting without knowing whether to be happy or distraught. I guess we'll know for sure tomorrow morning.

In any case, I hope everyone voted and that everyone is having a marvelous evening. We'll soon find out if we have reason to celebrate tomorrow...

On Growing Larger

So it's partly my fault. I have really come to appreciate the AWESOMENESS that is sugar and this being the holidays and all, sugar is all around me in beautiful abundance. I also blame Scarlet a little. She makes me crave sugary snacks on a level that I never experienced before she came around. But whoever gets to take credit for my getting bigger (baby and sugar), it's indisputable that I have grown larger.

This is what happens when you're pregnant so I'm not totally freaked out, but I am a woman so this affects me psychologically on a daily basis. Now that I've finally outed my pregnancy to the world, I feel vindicated for having a chubbier face and bigger arms and a waist that doesn't look like a waist anymore. The worst part? People tell me all the time that I don't look any different. Even people who knew I was pregnant way back before I was showing. That is probably true--maybe I don't look any different to them. But I am tying rubber bands around my largest-size jeans so I can squeeze into them still. I have gained 15 pounds. I have broken the zipper on my favorite dress trying to wedge myself into it, and I have an entire wardrobe of high-waisted zippered skirts and dresses that I can no longer fit into. So just what did everyone think I looked like before I was pregnant?! Did they always see me as this obese, sugar-eating monster who tips the scale each week and cries into her donuts?

Wow, I could really go for a donut right about now...

It begins...

November is National Novel Writing Month, or NANOWRIMO! I did it last year with some friends and although I never reached the 50,000 word count goal, I got several tens of thousands of words added to my novel and that makes me ecstatic. I am committed to making this year's goal a win by starting on time and meeting the daily 1600+ word count so I can actually finish this time around. I'll be meeting semi-regularly with those same friends and this time I won't have any excuses of travel or broken laptops or anything to stop me from writing those words.

The kick-off pizza party is this Monday in Provo and Megan and I are totally going. Here's to next month's NANOWRIMO event! I hope it's a huge success for everyone!

October? Already?!

So it's been almost exactly six months since I last wrote in this blog. I am duly ashamed. To commemorate this miserable milestone, I pulled this little gem from Single Dad Laughing (which is a kind of cool blog, btw). Enjoy.

THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO SOMEONE WHO'S SINGLE (complete with what would be awesome responses from Dan Pearce, SDL):

• So, why are you single?
  Ummm, maybe because I don’t shower and I hate puppies.
• Just have fun with it!
  Thank you. You’ve just solved all my problems. I was purposefully NOT having fun with it.
• Have you tried online dating?
  Match.com didn’t work so I guess my next move is Craigslist.
• It just wasn’t meant to be.
  Thank you. I’ve been hoping to find somebody who knows the complete plans of the universe. So tell me, all knowing, who IS meant to be?
• It will happen when you least expect it.
  How can I expect it less than never?
• There are plenty of fish in the sea.
  Thank you for rubbing my nose in my inability to get any of them.
• You’re just too picky.
  So, you’re saying I should settle?
• Are you kidding? I wish I was single and in your shoes.
  Poor baby.
• You’re so attractive! What seems to be the problem?
  How do I answer this without making you or me look like a jerk?
• Maybe you’re not trying hard enough.
  Oooooh. That must be it. I think what you’re really saying is that I’m not easy enough.
• He just hasn’t found you yet.
  Oh, well, then I guess I’ll stop looking and wait for him to come to me!
• When are you going to get married?
  When are you going to let me kick you in the teeth?
• There  are so many great guys/girls out there.
  So, are you saying that I’m not one of them since they’re so readily abundant and I’m still alone?
• You have such a pretty face, I bet if you lost weight you could find a man!
  And I bet if you gained weight you’d be mistaken for a Manatee. 
• I’m sorry.
  For what? Making me feel like a piece of crap?
• You’ll be complete some day.
  Yes, because I’m so incomplete now. Thank you.
• You’ll always be single until you fix yourself up.
  Meaning… I have to be someone other than me?
• At least you don’t have any responsibilities.
  At least you don’t have any tact.

You’re not getting any younger!
And you’re not getting anything in my will. 

Oh, you’re the unmarried one.
Oh, you’re the one with a ridiculously large forehead. 

From married moms: oh, it sucks that I am going to be a single mom for the next three days while my husband is out of town.
From single moms: Oh, I’m sorry. You have to go three days without help while somebody goes somewhere to make some money for you. If you need anything, let me know.

Your kids will give you all the love you need.
Yes, because who needs a partner to hug, kiss, and have awesome sex with. Certainly not me.

Are you gay?
If I told you I was, would you get off my back?

You’re too skinny.
You’re too fat. Let’s hug and pretend we don’t despise each other. 

Good luck, all the good ones are either taken, gay, or still attached to their mothers’ breasts.
First of all, that doesn’t make any sense. Second of all, huh?

It must be so nice to be single.
It must be so nice to be stupid.

You know, your biological clock is ticking.
Thank you for the reminder. So is yours, which means a drop kick to your face won’t heal as quickly.

Maybe if you didn’t look like a mom.
That’s right… I’m trying to trick people into liking me and then I’ll spring my parental status on them at the last possible moment.

Come on over…you won’t be a third wheel!
Well, I wasn’t going to feel that way before, but now…

You’re smart and independent and already have kids, you don’t need a man anyway.
I can see your reasoning. So are you saying that you are dumb and dependent? Cause that’s all I hear.

Beggars can’t be choosers.
So, I’m officially at beggar status. Please sir… can you spare a girlfriend for a guy down on his luck?

It’s going to be hard to find a man who wants an instant family.
It’s going to be hard to find your contact lenses after I punch you in the face.

Your self confidence scares guys off.
I think you’re onto something. I’ll start acting like a pushover doormat. That’ll bring me the right kind of guy.

Spring Semester

So, as many people have warned me, I think I took on more than I can actually do as far as school is concerned. I went to work at 7:00 a.m. like normal and left at 12:30 to drive the hour down to campus. Because my parking permit is for the boondocks parking spots, I walked completely across campus (I mean completely!) to get to my first class. It was so hot in the car and on the trek across campus that I was sweating and a little bit dizzy by the time I got to class. I had a particularly dull first class period for my editing capstone in which we did not once discuss editing (hence the dullness). Then I found a nice quiet place to work online and finish out my workday before logging off and heading to my spin class. It's only a half credit and the semester is only eight weeks, so I figured it wouldn't be too difficult. Wrong. Cycling is difficult, and 35-minute nonstop workouts with resistance is intimidating and scary. But I officially start cycling tonight. Then I drove back up to SLC to pick up Josh from work and drive to my night class at the salt lake center. It's a creative writing class, which had me very excited until I got bogged down by all the reading and homework assignments due tomorrow night. And then I got home around 10 (we got out a little bit early) and instead of doing my homework for today's classes, I vegged in front of the tv for half an hour and ate very comforting food. Then I stumbled to bed, completely exhausted from the long drives and long work of the day.

This morning I emailed the internship coordinator to let her know that I can't seem to enroll in the course but I would like to. Hopefully she can help me figure out what I'm missing so I can get started on that. And I hope not every day will be as long as yesterday was. I had the hardest time staying awake last night and waking up this morning. But I'm a little more awake now. And I'm working to get through today as well. Seven and a half more weeks to go...

Pregnancy

No, I'm not pregnant. But more and more people seem to be asking me that these days. Have I gained weight or something to make people think that I am or should be? I've gotten pretty good at answering my mother's queries and my sisters' questions. I can even be witty on occasion. But I did NOT know what to say when the six-year-old in my Sunday school class asked me why I don't have a baby:

"I...don't know. Sorry?"

It caught me off guard. Normally I'd say something sarcastic like, "How do you know I don't?"or "Where's yours?" But she's six, so the sarcasm would be lost on her and it'd be pretty rude of me to say that in the first place. Next time I've got to come up with a good answer. Any ideas?

Wales Is A Go

That's right. We decided we are definitely going to do Wales. It's only for twelve days so it's going to be a whirlwind adventure in Wales and England, but we're going to love every minute of it. The four of us are going to spend nights in youth hostels and see a globe theater play and spend an afternoon on the beach at St. Ives and cram ten days' worth of adventuring in London into just two packed days of sightseeing. It's going to be epically fun. I have *just* enough vacation days to cover this adventure, which means we have to save up some extra money so we won't be hurting from Josh's missed work (he doesn't get paid vacation time as a part-time employee) and then we'll still be in our normal financial position when we get back from the trip. Last time I went to Wales, I honestly did not give any consideration for what I would do with my life after I got back, so I was completely unprepared for life after Wales. This year, I'll try to take that into consideration so we aren't stranded hobos when we return.

What fun this year is turning out to be! A wonderful vacation with family in July, graduation, and then an adventure in Europe! Now if only I can get through this week of finals...

Chase the Mayor 5K

This May 5th, my friend Megan and I are going to run a 5K in Provo. It's called "Chase the Mayor" because I guess the Provo city mayor will be running as well and he'll get a 60-second headstart in the race. Anyone who can beat his time gets a trophy or something. I think it's cute, but I won't be competing against the mayor in this race. I can only run 2 miles at this point, and not fast at that. It takes me about 45 minutes to cover three miles right now, so I've got to trim that time down. My goal is to run it in 35 minutes, which I know I can do eventually, but I'm not sure I can do it by the end of April. But I already bought my registration voucher, so I'm committed. As a bonus, because May 5th also happens to be Cinco de Mayo, all participants will receive a sombrero. So really, everyone's a winner in this thing.

Here's to running in May! Good luck to us!

Wales?

So Tom the Wales wizard had to cancel the Britain blitz due to scheduling conflicts this summer. This means that Rachel, Jonathan, Josh, and I all have roundtrip plane tickets and nothing to do with them. We are deciding whether we want to use our travel insurance to cancel the tickets or maybe do our own adventuring in Wales without Tom. It could be a cheaper experience if we're smart about it, or it could cost a whole lot more. It's tough to say. In any case, we have time to decide, and to mourn the loss of Tom because he really does make everything magical.

WALES!

So my old study abroad professor (we shall call him Tom) is taking a group of people to Wales on a whirlwind two-week trip through Wales, Scotland, and England. And Josh and I are going! We're super excited but it only gives us four months to plan and save up money and the cost is pretty hefty, though it's a smoking deal for Europe. If we can find airfare for cheap enough and dip into our savings a bit, we can totally make it happen. And the best part is that it will take place in mid-August, which means Josh will be done with summer classes and he'll come back in time to start the fall semester. It's just absolutely perfect. It will take place literally just after I graduate, so it'll be a like an awesome graduation gift to me! I'm so excited I could just die.

Now to start saving up vacation days, and looking at airlines, and dusting off my passport... *squeal* This seriously makes all the work we've put in already this year SO worth it. I thought I was going to die before this semester was over and I still have another to go, but now I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's well worth it. All of it.

Here's to summer adventures!

Phoneless

My stupid phone, which I had just found, is dead. That may be because I ran it under hot water for two solid minutes. That may be because I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. That may be because I was leaning over to flush and it slipped out of my jacket pocket. I won't go into the details of using various kitchen utensils--since thrown away, of course--to fish the gross thing out of the gross bowl because I couldn't stand to put my hand in there.

In any case, I am phoneless. Josh thinks the whole thing is just hilarious.

Best Professor Ever

So I have this religion professor this semester (the same one whose book I'm editing). He's pretty cool. He knows I'm pretty busy, because I try to squeeze out a couple chapters of edited copy each week in addition to my work and school schedules. Yesterday before class I shot him an email letting him know that I might be late because I had to take a midterm after work but before his class. He said I sounded busy and wondered if he could help, which made me shrug my shoulders and ignore the email. What can he do? He can't make my professors stop giving me homework.

So after class that night he called me aside and told me that I would get an A in the class, that I would take the final but not be required to have to study for it, that I should still read the text for the course but that I would not be tested on it, and that I am no longer required to provide a chapter summary each week. So basically, I have to work on editing his book and I have to keep showing up for class.

Score.

I have never had a professor cut me this kind of slack before. And I didn't even tell him how stressed out I was--he just sort of knew and wanted to make it easier on me. He's the best ever.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

It happened. My life is over. This is it.

This morning I found a gray hair. Not even silver or white--gray. So, it's all over now. I'll just have to endure this darkness for the next seventy years.

Couch-to-5K Running Plan

Lies! All lies! This website was my plan to run a 5K with my friend Megan. I started out strong, averaging about a 20-minute run/walk for the first few weeks. But the next horrible step is to run for three minutes straight. Can't do it.

I was getting pretty discouraged, so I took a step back to see what was wrong with me and I realized that I was trying to run a 10-minute mile for 30 minutes (according to the website strategy) and my poor body is just not used to running at that speed for that amount of time. So I started running at 4.5 mph instead, and I made it to 30 minutes with only a little ragged breathing and shaky limbs. Every day I've been increasing my speed. Right now I'm at 5.0 but I hurt my knee so I can't run the full 30 minutes, but I did 25 minutes quite nicely. Barely even broke a sweat this time, which was a first.

So my new plan is to slowly build up to the speed I need. I'd like at least a 5.4, though a true 6.0 (or 10-minute mile) speed would be amazing.

April 28th is the date of the 5K and all are welcome to pay the reasonable entrance fee and join me and Megan at Thanksgiving Point. It'll be liberating.

Walmart Letter

Dear Mrs. Denner,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Denner are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House-wares to go off at 5-minute intervals

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in House-wares. Get on it right away."

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fatal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Once again we cannot tolerate this behaviour in our store.

Regards, Wal-Mart

Chocolate: The Love-Hate Relationship

So I'm human. I have weaknesses. Some of them are very, very apparent.

In fifth grade, my teacher nicknamed me Chocolate Girl. Not very inventive, but decidedly accurate. He used to buy fun-sized chocolate bars to give to people who answered questions and really helped participate in the discussion. I was the most active 10-year-old academic you ever saw.

Then I moved on to junior high, where the highlight of that awful, awful experience was saving up 75 cents to buy a chocolate bar during lunch. I didn't always get it, but man did it make my day better when I had the money. I think about 7th grade was when those sour skittles came out in a big way. EVERYone had them during lunch. The snack shop ran out of them daily, they were that popular. So while everyone was sitting around munching on tart, gross candy, I'd buy the lone chocolate bar and be blissfully happy. Chocolate IS bliss, you know.

My sisters tried to quell my chocolove. Nicole told me it would give me pimples. Rachel said it would make me fat. I ignored them. (One of them was more correct than the other, but we'll just skirt over that issue, shall we.) I loved chocolate and it loved me and we would always be together.

Well, for the most part, we have. It's been a rocky few years now that I'm in my 20s. When I studied abroad in Wales I discovered all kinds of candies that used magic for chocolate and I think I gained like 20 pounds of bliss. It was wonderful carting that blissful 20-pound memory around with me for a couple of months after I returned from the UK. But that's part of the problem with chocolate--I love it and it loves me, but it's too clingy. Sometimes it acts like it owns me, you know? Like my body is not my own, but chocolate's.

It's harder now, too, trying to balance my time between my two loves (chocolate and what's-his-name, that guy I married). Chocolate and I have sometimes not been on speaking terms. Sometimes when I tried to break up with chocolate, I'd cry in the middle of the night and chocolate would hear and come to me. Chocolate and I are best friends and no matter how many times I sever ties, chocolate always comes back, comforting me and helping me realize that I'll never be alone. Because I have chocolate.

I love chocolate. I hate chocolate. I'm eating chocolate right now. *sigh*

New Semester, Old Problems

Officially I have survived the first week of school. A class every night and homework in between classes and work. It was a hard week and you won't believe the homework I have, but that's not what I want to write about.

So my Tuesday night is a marriage class and the professor assigned us to read his original manuscript that he barely finished in time for the semester. That's not all that unusual because lots of my history professors write history books for the courses they teach and then assign them to us for free so I save money by not having to purchase the textbook.Well this class started out with all of us introducing ourselves, and I mentioned I was an editor and working on my minor in editing. The professor asked to see me after class.

He had a proposition for me! If I agreed to edit his book (the one every student had to read anyway), he would first excuse me from having to write the midterm paper, and in addition he would look into maybe paying me out of some department funds. This, too, is not out of the ordinary because my last editing gig at BYU was a random professor using department funds. Pretty mainstream stuff, actually. So I agreed, copied his manuscript onto my lappy, and went home.

Jump to Wednesday night. It had been an entire 22 hours since my marriage class with the writer-professor. I had gotten up at 6, taken Josh to Trax, gone to work, done some homework for a couple of other classes, driven down to BYU, attended a 3-hour class, purchased a textbook, driven back up to Murray, filled the tank with gas, and picked up Josh at work. As soon as I got home for the first time that day, after 8 p.m., I opened my email and wouldn't you know it, the professor had emailed me that day. His email said something to this effect: "Camilla, I need you to send me the completed introduction and first two chapters so I can upload them to Blackboard tonight. Let me know what you've got. Thanks, BB"

Awesome. I had managed to work on his draft a little bit during the day, but only like 10 pages, not the 30 needed to fulfill his requirement. And he had given me no deadline or any inclination that he was in a desperate rush to receive the manuscript back, so I was completely baffled and totally stressed out. I was on a time-crunch already from my schoolwork and I did not have time that night to edit after I read my science chapters, completed my science homework, and kicked Josh off my online statistics textbook.

So I got up at 4 this morning, edited his work, and emailed it before I went to work. At least I know now the kind of time-frame he wants me to work in, but I have to finish his next 160 pages really, really soon on top of reading 400 pages for my various other classes and completing a handful of assignments and one ten-page research paper, all before I go out of town on Saturday. Now I remember why I burned out the last semester I took at BYU.

The moral of the story is:
Kids: Stay in school, but don't attend school while accepting freelance work on top of your full-time job. That's just dumb.