Goodreads 2014

I made my goal! I read 75 books this year and it was absolutely marvelous. (That's a lot for me, you fast readers, you.)

It's amazing how much you can read when you don't have school and you take three weeks off for vacation. Some of the books were really stupid, some were absolutely fascinating, and many of them were fun and funny. I didn't read as many "learning" books as I feel I should have, but I enjoyed myself very much this year. Now onto next year's goal!

Illness Strikes and School Begins

Life has gone on and so much has happened and nothing has really happened. It's hard for me sometimes to pause life and find a bit of perspective to write about it, but it's been too long since I've written, so I'll try to briefly bring everyone up to date.

Scarlet is ridiculously sick right now. She caught something/is teething/might be dying this past Sunday and is no better four days later. Her appetite is reduced and it's a struggle to push fluids on her. I've resorted to juices, gatorade, and popsicles to get some form of nutrition/calories into her. The popsicles are great since they're made of vegetable and fruit juices with very little sugar. She's somehow fooled into thinking they're good (they're not), so she'll eat those most of the time. There are moments, however, when all she wants to do is be held and even cuddling and getting all of my attention won't stop her from whimpering and just plain feeling lousy. My heart hurts every time I hear her cough that deep-chested cough. If she hasn't made significant progress by next Sunday, she's going to visit her favorite pediatrician.

Josh has also been very ill this week. For a man who never takes a sick day, this week he's only been able to work six hours. He has just been dying in bed. Luckily for me, Josh is the type of sick person who retreats quietly to nurse his wounds, so he's not dependent on me to take care of him. That has made it easier for me to tend to Scarlet's many needs, although I wish I could serve him during this time when he's feeling so poorly.

I have not been sick at all, which is some sort of minor miracle in this den of illness. I have been able to work every day and get quite a lot of my assignments done despite a needy baby. I went to bed feeling stress and dread on Sunday night because there was simply too much to do, but in the first two hours of work I had done half of my weekly assignments and suddenly had more than enough time to complete the rest of my work. That was some kind of major miracle since work has been a huge ball of stress lately, with tight deadlines, too many assignments, and virtually no editors available/qualified to work on them.

Tomorrow marks the first of the new year, and the following day I start my master's in instructional design at WGU. I wanted to take advantage of the huge WGU discount while I'm still working, and now feels like the right time to do it. Often I get a little wistful at the things I can't do with my education: I can't go to law school, I can't pursue a PhD, and I can't even get an AA from SLCC. All of that requires more time and money than I have to give. Now that Scarlet is in our lives, it feels wrong for me to dedicate so much time away from her and to spend money that could go towards our savings (or that we simply don't have). I'm not my own person anymore--I'm part of a family and that comes with responsibilities that require me to make sometimes really hard sacrifices. I've always wanted to go to law school, but every time I plan out how long it would take to save up for it and how long I'd have to work to pay for it and how many potential children I could have by then and how many years I'd need to essentially ignore my family...*sigh* It just isn't feasible. I know several people who are moms and dads and pursuing PhDs and they are absolutely amazing to me. I am a teensy bit jealous of them but mostly just awestruck at the smart choices they made earlier on in their lives to make their degrees now a possibility. I didn't make the same smart choices so those possibilities that come with early, smart decision-making aren't available to me. I simply don't have the years left in my life to dedicate to endeavors best undertaken while either single or childless. Now I need to focus on smart decisions relevant to this stage of my life.

Okay, moping done. In order to sweeten some of that "lost-time" bitterness, I'm pursuing another master's degree at WGU. I can afford to pay the tuition and it allows me to continue to work and spend time with Scarlet at home. The program is from a school I don't entirely respect in a field I'm not entirely fascinated with, but all knowledge is useful and I can find interest in anything, so this isn't a waste of time. I found lots to learn in my MBA program and I've never been interested in business. I wish WGU offered more degrees in more interesting fields, but I'll take anything I can get. There are many good things about this program and about my entering it. I'm mostly just excited to get started and see how many classes I can pull off in my first term. I love challenges.

So tomorrow is my last day to read and enjoy my free time. I'll probably spend most of my day wiping Scarlet's nose and trying to sneak a gummy vitamin into her mouth when she's not looking, but it won't matter what I do. I could skip it altogether because I am more than ready to get going on this new program. Here's to 2015!

It's 3 a.m. Gross.

So today (well yesterday) was family home evening and Josh and I needed to study up on all the candidates for the mid-season elections before we voted. That requires a lot of time and work, so we had planned to dedicate all of FHE to researching. Then I planned on taking some time to write for Nanowrimo. I had family in town for the weekend so I couldn't start writing until today (yesterday) which meant I was already behind and couldn't afford to miss a day. The concept of doing all that election studying and then nano writing was so daunting that instead I took a nap that lasted from 6 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. I was pretty appalled at myself for giving in to my irresponsible tendencies, so I got up just as Josh was getting to bed and I went out to the living room to study up on the candidates.

I got through all the candidates and constitutional amendments and judges and wrote down my selections in preparation for voting, then I started in on my novel. Technically by this time it's November 4, so I'm four days behind on nanowrimo, but I knew I wouldn't be able to write 1,667 words for each day of the month so far. Instead I concentrated on writing one day's worth. I got 1703 words written and considered that sufficient. Now I'm ready for bed except it's three a.m. and I don't think I can sleep yet.

This is really going to come back to haunt me in a few hours...

Sleepy Camilla is a Prude

So this morning I woke up wearing a robe over my pajamas and I couldn't figure out why. Josh woke up at the same time and looked over at me quizzically.

"Why are you wearing a robe?" he asked.

I really had to think back to figure out what happened last night but it came to me shortly after I really woke up. Josh had gone to bed before me because I had wanted to write in my journal, so I went to bed around an hour after Josh was already asleep. I was so tired yesterday that I was able to fall asleep fairly quickly. Then I woke up suddenly at 1 a.m. convinced of two things: that it was morning and I needed to get up, and that it was inappropriate for me to be lying next to a strange man in only my pajamas. In a bizarre burst of propriety, I felt compelled to get up and put on my robe. Then I checked the time and realized I still had more time to sleep, so I went back to bed.

This morning at breakfast I explained to Josh what I remembered from last night. He and I shared a great laugh but he pointed out something rather glaring:

"So it was inappropriate for you be wearing your pajamas without a robe...but it was perfectly fine for you to be sharing a bed with a stranger?"

Tired Camilla is only half-prude. The other half is one racy chick.

Camilla Takes on Homemaking

I don't really see myself as a crafty person, so activities like making cakes and costumes and wreaths and any other Pinterest-y thing doesn't really appeal to me. HOWEVER. My sister showed me these adorable costumes on Pottery Barn and when she showed me the pumpkin costume below, I was appalled for several reasons. First, observe the costume:

Cute, right? My first thought was that I could make that myself, it was that simplistic. You have to understand--I don't MAKE things, so to tell myself I could make it meant that I thought it was an incredibly simple design. And it is. Also, Pottery Barn, being the mecca of well-off homemakers that it is, was charging a whopping $79 for this simple getup, which offended my sentiments.

So I decided to steal the design and make the dress myself. I went to a fabric store for the first time in my marriage and bought what I hoped would be enough fabric and supplies. I really should have brought a picture of the costume with me, but I figured all I needed was some orange material, some orange tulle, and at the checkout stand I threw in some orange thread. That night I spent maybe three hours hand-stitching pieces of fabric together (I don't own a sewing machine because I don't sew) using the few sewing materials I got as a wedding present from Josh's mom. 

I had to sort of guess how to make buttonholes and it didn't even occur to me to buy buttons, so thank goodness I had a few in my sewing kit. I also HUGELY overestimated how much fabric to buy. I bought six yards of tulle and two of the orange cotton-ish stuff underneath. I could have bought half of each type of fabric and still had tons of extra. I guess I erred on the side of caution. Measuring Scarlet proved a difficulty as well. If I'd been smart about it, I would have taken some of her form-fitting clothes and used that as a basis, but instead, I tried to measure her while she was awake (big, wiggly mistake) and ended up creeping into her room after she went to sleep like a creeper and holding up a tape measurer to her still form. I finished the costume this morning after buying ribbon and the other accessories from Michael's. 

This is what the finished product looks like:

It looks ridiculously homemade, but I'm ridiculously proud of it anyway. Plus, it's trendy to make things, so whatever. I just saved $50. Take that, Pottery Barn.

Color Run 2014!

Last week Brianna and I ran the Color Run that WGU paid for. It was awesome. After walk-running 3.1 miles, I got two free t-shirts and a muffin and Brianna walked away with a new pair of sunglasses, a sticker, and a temporary tattoo. All in all, a sweet deal.

We didn't get very colored, but we weren't trying as hard as many of the other runners.

There were I think five stations of colored chalk that we ran through on our way around downtown Salt Lake. Brianna and I are awesome out-of-shapers, so we walked quite a bit of it, but I still managed to get a blister from disuse of my running shoes. I should really run more.

Some of my fellow WGU runners were appropriately colored after their own jog:

It was such a fun experience that Brianna and I chatted and laughed and felt generally light-hearted the whole drive home. Once we got home and showered and washed our clothes at the laundromat, I sat down to read a book and I suddenly became overwhelmed with exhaustion. We had gotten up at 6 that morning, and I had gone to bed after midnight the night before finishing up a book I had been reading. Six hours is neither a typical amount of sleep, nor enough sleep for me, so I was DYING by that time. I crawled into bed where Josh was studying and lay down, thinking I'd close my eyes for a few minutes.

Three hours disappeared. Josh had to wake me up to watch Scarlet while he went to take a test, and I fought to shake myself out of the bizarre fog of untimely napping.

Later that night, still a bit in a fog, I was sitting on the lawn furniture of Costco while Josh was checking out our groceries and Brianna was spinning Scarlet around a lawn chair. I thought it was so funny that Scarlet kept her mouth open in amusement the whole time, so I started recording it. This is how we ended our day:

How My Daughter Has Changed My Body

This isn't going to be a blog post about the physical transformation of my body from pre- to post-baby. Although I have plenty to say on that subject and there is a plethora of other moms out there with their own posting on the topic, I mean to address the less noticeable changes of my body due to the existence of that adorable 18-month-old.

Josh and I went for a walk last week and for the first time ever, we let Scarlet walk by herself in front of us on the sidewalk. Everything was fine until Scarlet started to veer off the sidewalk toward the street just as we heard an approaching car turn onto the road behind us. Josh and I bolted toward Scarlet and I got to her first and snatched her up before she touched the street. Josh made to pick her up from out of my arms, but whether he could read something in my face or whether he just knew, he said instead, "I think Mommy needs to hold you for a minute, Scarlet." Somehow the only way to stop my pounding heart is to hold her little body up against it. Physical change number one: I can run faster than I ever had before--even faster than my husband, whose legs are several inches longer than my own.

Scarlet loves to be tossed in the air. I didn't dare swing her or play roughly with her when she was fairly young because she lacked the muscle strength to hold her limbs steady and she could never have held her head up safely as a newborn. Once she passed the year mark, however, I really started to play. I toss her in the air and catch her on the way down. I love how her face lights up, her mouth opens in a soundless grin, and she holds her breath until she's back in my arms, where she transports into giggles and laughter. She is fast approaching 30 pounds, but she doesn't feel particularly heavy when I heft her into the air and catch her again repeatedly. Physical change number two: My arms are stronger than they ever were before.

When I'm working on the couch, the laptop resting on the arm of the sofa, sometimes Scarlet gets jealous of the infernal computer and demands my attention. I have gotten very good at taking small, five-minute breaks frequently throughout the day so that I can give Scarlet some attention and occupy her with some activity before returning to work. Sometimes, however, when I don't have time to play with her, I'll let her lean on my legs and I'll lift up her body with my legs and bounce her and swing her from side to side, all while I remain typing at the computer. Physical change number three: My legs are stronger than they ever were before.

So yes, my body has changed for the worse in many respects: I can't run for as long, I can't hold a plank for 60 seconds anymore, I can't fit into my old jeans, not to mention the changes that are too indecent to write about (but more plaguing and permanent than all the others), but I also have changed for the better. I love the new me because it comes complete with a smiling girl who is currently dumping her sippy cup water over her pasta salad in her high chair. So, so worth it.

My Life As It Stands Today

So today I was feeding Scarlet microwave macaroni and cheese while trying to simultaneously edit a task for work and it just sort of hit me that this is my life now. Scarlet giggled and spit out her noodles and smeared cheese in her hair until I cleaned her up and put her down for a nap. Trying to finish my work before the end of the day, I sat at the table and ate the rest of Scarlet's macaroni (with a little pepper sprinkled in, because I'm classy like that) and edited my document. So this is my life: smeared cheese and leftover baby lunches and naptime and work.

I have to admit, though--I really like this place in my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not even for the higher-quality, non-microwaveable macaroni and cheese.

Lindsey Stirling Concert

So Josh and I had a fun night. We bought Lindsey Stirling tickets last January and last night we finally got to see her perform! She performed at the Saltair, which I had never been to. Once I got there, I was a bit let down. It's a standing-room-only location. I hadn't been to a standing-room-only concert since the Aquabats in 2008. That's right--six years ago. And let me tell you, there are things you don't enjoy as much when you're six years older, standing for three and a half hours being one of them.

But it turned out to be a wonderful experience anyway. I couldn't help jumping up and down (a LOT) and cheering until I grew hoarse and clapping after every performance. That girl can really rock a song! Her dancing was elegant and fast-paced and triple-y impressive with her two backup dancers in sync behind her. The choreography was spot-on incredible. I can really tell she's improved  her dancing and violin-playing a lot since her last album came out. I especially loved her costume changes. She had five different (awesome) outfits complete with five different violins for the concert, including a black-and-gold violin that she "unearthed" from a chest during her pirate-themed performance.

She talked a bit between some of the numbers, which I really loved. She's bubbly and bright and energetic and she has the sweetest things to say. After her first number, she was discussing the research she did before going on tour this time around, and said she had attended a Lady Gaga performance where Gaga did a "sexy" costume change on stage until she was "down to her nothings." Lindsey said she wanted to do something similar, so her backup dancers threw a bright green track suit on over her outfit. It was a funny bit,  especially when she called it her sexy wardrobe change, but then the lighting changed and her clothes started to glow and she performed an incredible rave-like techno number that perfectly worked with the outfit. It was awesome and the crowd loved it.

Immediately after the song, she begged her dancers to help her take it off, though, claiming that "being sexy was too hot."

My favorite numbers were a song she wrote for a little boy struggling with bullying and her album-cover song "Shatter Me." The anti-bully song dealt with wind and flight and stars and sky and the dancers wrapped Lindsey in this sheer blue fabric and a powerful fan blew her beautiful dress behind her as she was carried on the shoulders of the dancers and leaned far over the crowd. It was so beautiful and artistic. And Shatter Me. Ohhh...I love that song like nothing else. The music video is spectacular and you should all watch it and fall in love with me:

It deals with Lindsey breaking out of her shell, except in a literal sense via the music video. I think it's absolutely fantastic.

The opening band was Archis with Dia Frampton, whom I now love. My favorite song they performed was Blood. You can see her perform it two weeks earlier in this video:

I thought their performance last night was better, but our stage had better acoustics and the band was two weeks more experienced.

Anyway, Josh and I left at 9:30 with our ears ringing from standing too close to the stage. We felt like old fuddy-duddies with our sore feet and ears, but my heart was light. We picked up our sleeping baby from the grandparents' on the way home and then we all went to sleep. It was a magical night.

Dental Adventures--I Hate It

One day a couple of weeks ago I was being a good tooth-carer and flossing my teeth when my crown on my back left molar just popped right out of my mouth. Hmm. That's troublesome. So I called the dentist the next morning and went in for an emergency visit to have them temporarily recement the crown back onto that silly tooth.

*As a side note, visiting the dentist unplanned is a bit of a hassle. I have to arrange for time off from work, which isn't always easy depending on my workload and deadlines. I also have to see if my mother-in-law has the time and availability to drive down to watch Scarlet while I leave. Then I have to call the dentist (I hate calling people more than I hate anything ever) and somehow make my case sound important enough to wedge me into the already-full schedule of the day. This hassle doesn't even take into account the fact that I'll have to work longer that day to make up the missed work and that I'll likely be sore and grumpy from any dental work done. But I digress.*

So, back to the visit. The dentist said that the crown would likely pop off repeatedly unless I replaced it because it had been made too shallow (it had to be because I got it when I was a pre-adolescent and my gums were still developing underneath it). I promptly scheduled an appointment and one week later I was back in the dentist's chair (having undergone all the same inconveniences of work and babysitting I discussed above) while the dentist drilled and cleaned and molded and then recapped the tooth with a temporary crown until the mold could be sent to a company and a permanent crown could be made. I have an appointment scheduled for that in another week. I went home, thinking that was the end of it for at least a week.

It was not.

The next day I ate breakfast a little gingerly because my temporary crown was a bit sensitive. As the day progressed, my tooth and then my jaw eventually ignited into flame and I endured rather excruciating pain for a few hours before I broke down and took a couple of Tylenol. I made the necessary arrangements again to see the dentist the next day. He explained to me that my predicament could be caused by one of two things: either my tooth is really sore because the cells surrounding the nerve in that tooth are building an extra layer of tooth to protect the nerve from further impact, OR the nerve is gradually dying from too much trauma on that tooth and will require a root canal. Either way, I have to wait it out and self medicate when the pain gets too intense. Really? I set up an appointment to find out that nothing can be done?! If the tooth is growing an extra layer around the nerve, then that process will take four to five weeks. And if the nerve is dying, it will still be a process that takes several weeks to know for certain. Bah.

SO. Here I am, waking up every day with a grimace on my face and a snarky comment on my tongue. I *think* I've been good so far at keeping my surliness from offending Josh as I endure this unending barrage of tooth soreness each day. I have this crazy fear of needing pain medication for something serious and it not working because I've built up an immunity and however valid that fear is, it prevents me from taking medications unless I absolutely cannot stand it (which is why I waited until my contractions were 30 seconds apart before I broke down and begged for the juice). This equates to me holding off and waiting to take one or two Tylenol until the late afternoon. But it also means I've had a pretty foul attitude about absolutely everything.

Work is reorganizing AGAIN? I hate it. Our sink handle needs to be replaced. I hate it. It's raining? I hate it. Last night I bought a pizza and rented some movies from the library and I guess I didn't hate last night, but I think I hate just about everything else right now. Just four to five more weeks of this...

Budgeting is Not A Hobby

I was looking over our budget today as I do often because I find it cathartic (I have problems) and it occurred to me that now that Josh has signed on to work full-time with his company, we'll be receiving his paychecks twice monthly as close to the 15th and 30th as possible. While that's hardly any different than my own pay schedule, it presents an interesting change in the way I'll be budgeting our income.

Josh was a contract employee up until yesterday, meaning he was technically employed by a hiring agency and his paychecks were delivered weekly. I like to plan the week's expenses--tithing, estimated food and fuel requirements, as well as any pending utilities or other bills--to determine how much of our income can be set aside for savings. I REALLY like to put money in our savings account, guys. It's almost like going shopping--I get this really satisfying high when transferring the money over. So when the leftover weekly income becomes available, I happily move it into savings and receive my positive boost of enthusiasm, happiness, energy, or whatever else you call it.

All this background is merely to present this new conundrum. We won't have those weekly paychecks anymore, meaning I won't get to put money into savings on a quadri-monthly basis. I'll have to wait until the end of the month to put anything into savings and that rather devastates me. No more high.

Now I'll have to find a real hobby like a normal person.

Hitler Mayo

So Josh likes mayonnaise but I'm not a big fan. I made chicken salad sandwiches the other day for dinner and I put in a bit of mayo for Josh's sake, which was more than I wanted but less than Josh wanted, so he felt compelled to pull out the mayo from the fridge and coat the sides of his bread before continuing to eat his sandwich.

As he did this, I explained to Josh that I put the purple grapes into the salad to provide a burst of flavor and moisture that essentially serves as a better kind of mayo for my sandwich. Josh then made these observations:

"Grapes are Camilla Mayo.

"Mayo is Josh Mayo.

"And Miracle Whip is Hitler Mayo."

Needless to say, Josh is not a fan of Miracle Whip.

The Age of Clumsiness and Illness

Scarlet is causing me all kinds of grief these days, but it's really not her fault. She has finally reached that age where everything--absolutely EVERYTHING--she does leads to bumps and cuts and bruises. She is so clumsy now! She's been walking for three-ish months but suddenly it's like her feet are too big or too small for the rest of her and she trips over her own feet, her shoes, the carpet, the stairs, and sometimes literally nothing at all. On more than one occasion, I've seen her drop from a dead standstill, having fallen over nothing. It's exasperating and more than a little funny.

She fell down the stairs at my sister's house (despite my having put up a gate to prevent her from climbing the stairs) and got a nice scab on her right cheek that is almost entirely healed now. She also got a scratch down her other cheek that scabbed over whose origin is entirely unknown to me. She also fell at the play place at Chik-fil-a and slammed her forehead into the shoe cubby holes and got a lovely greenish bruise between the eyes. She also smashed my phone into her forehead and had a pinkish mark underneath her bangs for a few hours. That was just in one week.

A few weeks ago, I was playing with Scarlet by holding her hands and pulling her up and twisting her from side to side to get her laughing. It was adorable. After a time, she started to cry for a couple of minutes and then stopped suddenly. I was concerned but she seemed fine and relatively happy so I brushed it off. I took her with me to book club and she was somewhat fussy there, which was uncharacteristic of her. When Josh was changing her into pajamas that night, she started to cry a little bit and we were both concerned by then. I wanted to take her to the ER to have her checked out at that point, but Josh thought we should let her sleep it off and take her to see her pediatrician the next day if she was still feeling out of sorts. Well she was fussy the next day, so we took her to see her doctor, who confirmed she had nursemaid's elbow. The tendon in her elbow had been pulled askew by my swinging her, which was easy enough to fix (the doctor snapped it painlessly back into place in a second), but which meant that her elbow was more susceptible to that particular injury in the future. I've been incredibly careful ever since, but the guilt in knowing I injured my own baby will probably never go away entirely. Scarlet didn't cry in the doctor's office, but heaven knows I did.

On Sunday afternoon, Scarlet started to act a bit fussy, which is always a hint that she's not feeling well. We put her down to sleep a little earlier than usual, but she woke us up at one in the morning because she had vomited all over her bed, the poor thing. We were more than a little concerned because aside from spit-up, Scarlet had never vomited before. Josh cleaned her up and I changed her into new pajamas and cuddled with her in our big bed for a few minutes before Josh put her back into her own bed. Then twenty minutes later she started crying again, so I went in and checked on her. She hadn't thrown up again so I rocked her and sang to her and put her back down. It was odd for her to start crying for no reason, but I figured she just needed help getting back to sleep. Twenty minutes after that, she was sobbing again, so I got her out and carried her to my bed, thinking to sleep with her in the bed for a little bit. Instead, Scarlet threw up all over our bed. Ah. So THAT'S why she was crying.

That began the long morning wherein I sat with Scarlet in the rocking chair in her room, holding her and leaning her over a bowl each time she started to gag. She threw up a lot. She also needed several urgent diaper changes. She was so uncomfortable and feeling so poorly, that she was unable to sleep regularly and kept tossing and turning and crying and sleeping and waking up and starting it all over again. It was a LONG. NIGHT. Just before seven o'clock, I passed Scarlet off to Josh and I stumbled into bed. I was dead to the world until 2 in the afternoon. Josh, of course, had taken the day off from work to look after Scarlet. We were both headachey and exhausted the rest of the day. Apparently it takes two adults to look after one sick baby.

Anyway, that is an example of our first experiences with Scarlet's new stage of development: clumsiness and illness. I'm pretty sure this is a transition that will be permanent in her early childhood and perhaps later, but I am not excited about it. I miss her feeling healthy and happy and I miss not worrying about her as much.

My Baby, the Speechless Barnacle

I'm getting very anxious for Scarlet to learn speech so that she doesn't have to sob uncontrollably to let me know that she wants a bite of my cereal. It would also be nice to be able to explain to her that when I'm in the shower, I'm safe and happy and don't need her to pull back the shower curtain and sob as water soaks her clothes and hair for TEN MINUTES while I rinse out the shampoo and conditioner from my hair. I would also like to explain that the toilet paper roll she discovered this morning should not be swatted at until all the paper unravels onto the floor as I'm doing my hair in front of the mirror.

Scarlet can do so much these days--eat real food, walk unaided, sit still in front of a Barbie movie for ten minutes at a time--but I'm certain that life will be a bit easier once she understands that she doesn't need to be by my side constantly. I love her affection and cuddling but I also love being able to type with two hands and being able to place my work laptop in my actual lap, and not awkwardly on the arm of the couch so I can hold Scarlet in my lap and edit one-handed.

*sigh* One day...

Scarlet's First Year of Life

Scarlet has been one year old for six days now. I am utterly smitten with her. Here are a few of her current activities:

-She's walking like a very precariously balanced toddler. Occasionally she'll just be standing and suddenly drop to the ground. Thankfully she doesn't have far to fall because she's pretty lousy at staying upright.
-She likes to get into things ceaselessly. She pulls open the cupboards in the kitchen and bathroom and my nightstand to get at all the things we store underneath. I turned my back for a minute after changing her diaper and she had pulled out twenty wipes and was trying to reach into the container to get at the rest. She dumps out Q-tips and then picks them up one at a time to put back in their box or insert into her mouth (gag). She especially loves to pull down dvds and play with my work phone.

She got into the toilet paper and trailed it behind her until I could stop laughing long enough to help her.

-She is a good eater and can eat anything that adults eat now, but her favorites are yogurt, cottage cheese, carrots, bread, and graham crackers. She's tentative about vegetables and seems not to like broccoli, beets, any leafy greens, or tomatoes.

-She watches Barbie movies all day long because I need to distract her while I'm working. Sometimes she demands attention to emphatically that I have to stop work to play with her for a few minutes. Otherwise she clings to my legs, sobs with her head thrown back, and slams her hands on the keyboard. It tries my patience, especially when we're slammed with work, but I really am just losing patience with myself because I have unending guilt for working when my little girl needs me to take care of her.

And sometimes she'll leave me alone long enough to stare at the tv. She really likes when the animals come on the screen.

-She loves Color Crew on Netflix. When she sees the show start to play, she'll scream in excitement and start dancing.
-She is a shameless flirt at church. She refuses to sit in the pew, and instead insists on standing between her parents, facing the row behind her, and flirting with whoever is unfortunate enough to sit behind us. She also enjoys tearing the program into shreds.
-She is generally a happy baby who wants to smile and play, so I have learned that when she cries (hurts herself, is not feeling well) it means something is genuinely wrong. She never cries wolf when it comes to actual crying so I always treat her tears seriously.
-When Josh comes home from work, Scarlet jumps at the sound of the key turning in the lock. She gets so excited to see him!

Josh and I are so lucky/blessed to have her and to have her as a first baby. I wouldn't be able to keep working at WGU with a more difficult child, and life would be a lot less pleasant than it is. I'm looking forward to the next year of milestones and laughter!

True Love

In honor of Valentine's Day (one full week late), I dedicate this blog post to admitting that I have finally discovered what true love really is. Sure, Josh and I love each other forever and always and all that, but it's taken these past three and a half years to really understand that love. It keeps changing so I'm not ever certain I have a grasp on what it means. I think I've got it now. Here are my observations:

True love is waking up early on the weekends to take care of the baby so your wife can sleep in on her days off.

True love is buying symphony and opera tickets for your wife's Christmas present and then snoozing quietly beside her in the semi-darkness while she enjoys the experience.

True love is spending money you don't want to spend to eat out at that restaurant you're so tired of visiting because it is your wife's favorite.

True love is working 5-10 extra hours a week for months on end so your family can save up for an amazing vacation.

True love is Josh providing this limitless service again and again every day since the day we first fell in love. Sometimes I get really mad at him and sometimes I tease him and sometimes I joke with others about his goofiness and his quirks, but I am irrevocably in love with him because he has shown me what true love is.

I love you, Josh.

Our Saturday

Poor Scarlet is sick today.

Josh got up with her this morning so I could sleep in, but I woke to her raspy, constricted breathing coming from the front room. I am so sad when she's sick. She's working on getting her second front tooth out--the tip broke through her gums but the rest is still in there--and it's given her a nasty cold and runny nose as her body struggles to grow older. Her nose is so chapped from my wiping away at it, that it's temporarily reddened and she cries out every time I approach her with a tissue. I just feel awful each time.

Growing pains are real, my friends, and they make for one sad baby.

Josh and I gave her a hot bath before her morning nap in the hopes that she'd get warmed up and breathe in some of the nice, warm steam, but it seemed to make her even colder and she's never enjoyed bath time, so she just sobbed the entire time, per her usual.

In the afternoon we took shifts tending to her and cleaning up the apartment. When Josh and I were putting away out laundry, Scarlet grabbed hold of one of my shirts and somehow managed to slip it over her head. She wore it like a fashionable scarf as she toddled around the room until it slid over her shoulders and down to her waist. Then she had to hold it and keep hoisting it over her waist to keep it from slipping entirely off. I laughed so hard watching her hitch the "skirt" back over her waist and stumble around the room. When we finally braved going to Costco after the snow stopped to pick up some bigger diapers. All boxes of diapers are the same price, but with each new size up, we lose out on 10-30 diapers per box. I told Scarlet in the store that she's not allowed to grow anymore because we can't afford her to. She smiled at me.

When Josh picked up the mail tonight, we found we'd received a birthday card for Scarlet from her great-grandmother Wilson. Scarlet's birthday is on the 22nd this month, and this was her first birthday card. We took a picture of her holding the card and the money. As soon as it was in her hand she licked the dollar bill, so I had to snatch it away and try not to gag. So gross. So dirty. So NOT what a sick little girl should be putting in her mouth.

The card, she can eat.

After I changed her into pajamas and fed her the last bottle in the evening, she started to get playful. She's always playful just before bedtime. Some nights when we lose track of the time, we are clued in that it's bedtime by Scarlet's silliness. I wish she were that playful all day long, but she reserves it for when she's trying to convince us to keep her up longer. It has never worked and likely never will because the hours after she sleeps and before we do are precious. Some days I live for those few short hours of selfishness. I usually read a book or watch tv or do something completely wasteful and insignificant. It doesn't matter what I do--all that matters is that I can do it completely uninterrupted. Tonight we watched a clean version of Braveheart until I was too sad and went into the bedroom to surf the web. Man, that movie depresses me.

Anyway, that was our Saturday. It was pretty standard as far as activities go, except that poor Scarlet was sick and probably will be again tomorrow. I wish Scarlet had been feeling healthy and that we'd had amazing plans to do something epic; that would have made for a nice break from the stresses of work. Instead, we did pretty much what we always do on our days off, but I'm feeling pretty content about it just the same. My life is fairly ordinary and I love it more than anything.

Blending fiction with reality

I'm listening to a new book on cd today. It's affecting my marriage. Let me explain.

The story weaves the tale of three women in various stages and situations in life who come together through a singular incident. One of the women is undergoing a divorce because her husband fell in love with her cousin. Anywho, this woman, Tess, is experiencing all these emotions as her husband and her cousin explain that they've fallen in love, and as these emotions are described on the cd, I start to feel them in my heart. And as she gets darker and more resentful in her thoughts, I get angrier with my husband.

Seriously. Through the course of the second cd, Josh and I sat side-by-side on our couch while he played games on his phone and I played games on our ipad. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I turned to him and said, "If you ever cheated on me I'd murder you."

Josh looked up and gave me a hurt, surprised expression. "Murder me?"

I nodded vindictively, my teeth gritted. "I'd stab you."

He lowered his head and resumed his game. "Oh."

It's not fair to him, I realize this. Josh is too comfortable with life and uncomfortable with change to ever cheat on me (and, sure, he loves me too). But the thought of someone breaking a solemn promise to love and honor for time and all eternity really gets my blood boiling. I think I really would stab him.

And this is why I'm better off reading happy things. I get too involved emotionally in the feelings and the thoughts and the action. Sad stories make me sad. Adulterous stories make me mad. I can't separate fiction from reality.

Sunday morning

Josh woke up really sick on Sunday morning. Since it was my turn to teach our primary class (we team-teach), I told him he should probably stay home and would it be all right if I left Scarlet with him so I could focus on my calling. He agreed and I left for church by myself.

Now church is a mere three hours. It was ward conference, so our bishop was one of the speakers and he gave a wonderfully humble, intelligent talk that I enjoyed quite a bit. I love ward conference. I was able to finish writing letters to my two sisters on missions while I sat there quietly, something I hadn’t been able to do since I had a baby. It was the most peaceful, incredible sacrament meeting I have attended in almost a year.

Then I went to Primary and loved whispering to my class and singing the songs and then leading our class into our classroom and teaching without the distraction of a baby babbling and toddling around the room. My kids were just as raucous as usual but I was able to give them my full attention and I never felt overwhelmed or exasperated or frustrated. It was amazing.

Then I walked home, anticipating Josh to be lying miserable on the couch and Scarlet still in her pajamas and possibly fussy. Instead, I walked into the living room to see a clean, vacuumed room with a dressed, happy baby walking around. Josh had done the dishes while I was out as well, and he had showered, shaved, and dressed in my absence. He said he was feeling much better since his shower and instead of sleeping in and trying to take advantage of the morning, he’d spent that same three hours making my world a little brighter and a lot cleaner.

I was utterly amazed. And I have the best husband.

Bad decision

I am an idiot.

I started a book on tape last night after Scarlet went to bed (7:30). I played computer games while I listened and because I was enthralled a few hours later, I stayed up to continue listening after Josh went to bed at 10:30. Then I sort of lost track of time and didn't realize how many cd's I had gone through until my stomach rumbled with hunger at 3 a.m. I ate some crackers and cheese and listened some more, occasionally playing games on the ipad until the battery was completely sapped, and alternating to games on my computer. I could not stop listening to this story, you guys.

It was only at 5:30 a.m. that I was too stiff, cold, and exhausted to concentrate on the story any longer, so I paused the cd and stumbled to bed. Josh woke up briefly to chastise me on my unwise decision (somehow he knew exactly what time it was even though he was half-asleep) before wrapping his blanket-heated arms around me so I could warm up more quickly. I fell asleep and woke up to Scarlet's smiling face next to mine at almost 11 this morning. Josh, the big sweetheart, had gotten up with her at 6:15 and fed her, played with her, and changed her before putting her down for her morning nap. I hadn't heard any of this, I was so deeply asleep. But after Scarlet had woken from her nap, Josh had brought her into my bed and her happy noises were enough to finally stir me from my sleep.

It wasn't so bad at first. I felt moderately refreshed and I was able to get dressed and eat some brunch with Josh. I listened to some more of that book on cd (somehow less enthralling after my rest) and then went to Costco with Josh and Scarlet. It was about halfway through the shopping trip that it hit me. A huge, invisible wall of exhaustion that caused my knees to buckle and my eyes to droop. I stumbled around the store, hanging on to the shopping cart to keep me upright. My limbs were SO HEAVY. We got home, put the food away, put Scarlet down for a nap, and I lay on the couch, listening to the end of the book.

I never recovered. I am apparently far too old to stay awake all night. I remember pulling all-nighters in high school and college all the time. Midnight movies, study sessions, really good books--I wouldn't even think twice about skipping sleep for something more interesting. And yes, I was tired, but I was functional and even a little victorious for having endured an entire night of not-sleeping. But no more. I don't know if it's my age, my regular sleep habits, or my almost-one-year-old that make me so tired, but I made a really bad decision to stay up last night. Even for as worthy a cause as reading a truly fascinating story.*

*If you want to be enthralled in an interesting book, I recommend Me Before You by Jojo Moyes.