Lisa the Awesome

"So how long do you think it'll take for us to reach Hagar's hut?"

Greg turned to squint shrewdly at me for a minute before answering. "It's just up ahead," he said finally.

I eagerly pushed forward and saw the pale outline of a house through the mist of a sudden clearing. The closer we got, the sharper the house came into focus, until I could make out every single detail of its construction in the generous moonlight. I gasped.

The entire one-room cottage was made out of gingerbread. There were icing window shutters and licorice paneling with gumdrops lining the walk. I could just make out the sparkling rooftop of shimmering sprinkles before I stopped dead. "No way," I said. "There's just no way. HER?" I asked the fairy, pointing to the house. "Do you mean to tell me that Hagar the witch is the same nasty old hag who tried to eat Hansel and Gretel?"

"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about," Greg sniffed airily, "but if you mean those two children approaching her house, then no, Hagar hasn't eaten them yet."

"Wha--?" I whirled back around to face the house. "Hey! Hey, kids, what are you--Greg!" I turned back to face him but that useless fairy had already disappeared. At the speed his wings could go, he was probably already back home in his swamp by now. Talk about useless.

I ran forward to approach the children Greg had pointed out. They had just reached the cottage from the other side of the clearing and were stretching forth their hands to tear off a strip of licorice when I reached them. "Whoa! Unh-uh! What are you kids doing? You can't just eat somebody's property just because it happens to be delicious! What's the matter with you two?"

I was yelling at two blond-haired, blue-eyed twins who looked to be about nine years old. At the moment, they were looking scared out of their minds, and so thin that I knew they must have missed several meals in the last few days.

The little boy looked to be the leader of the operation, because at my rebuke, he blushed. "Please, miss," he said, "we meant no harm. It's just that we haven't had anything to eat since morning and we're terribly hungry."

I sighed, completely softened by their meager appearance, and rolled my eyes upward to the giant moon above. "Let me guess: you left a trail of breadcrumbs and the birds ate them, so now you can't find your way home."

The two children stared at me in wonder. The little girl managed to croak out, "Are--are you Hagar, the witch?"

"What? No! I'm Lisa, the Awesome. And trust me, you do not want to meet up with Hagar." I leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "I hear she eats children."