Today, I woke up abruptly in the night. Why? An owl crashed into my window. I'm waiting Hogwarts. I'm waiting. MLIA
Today my six-year-old daughter told me, with a serious face, that she firmly believes the black plague was a cover-up for the zombie apocalypse. MLIA
The other day I learned that if you say 'beer can' with an English accent, you're saying 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. Mind. Blown. MLIA
This morning, I walked into the kitchen to find my Dad drinking his coffee. When he took a big sip, I told him I was pregnant. He spit it out all over the table. I'm his son. MLIA
Today, I finally managed to say "Piii...kaa..." before I sneezed. MLIA
Today, I received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and it had reached a point where he needed to be sent outside. I don't have a son. That kid is a good liar. MLIA
Today, my friend explained to me that if you write 3.14 on a piece of paper and hold it in a mirror, it will say pie. Mind. Blown. MLIA
Today, I renamed my recycle bin "Azkaban". Then I made a folder and named it Voldemort. When I clicked delete, my computer asked me: "Are you sure you want to send Voldemort to Azkaban?" MLIA
Today, my mom had her first baby girl. my family already consists of 6 boys. I just realized that my family exactly parallels the Weasleys. I have never been so happy. MLIA
Last night while walking through the city, I saw 4 construction workers climb out of a sewer dressed as teenage mutant ninja turtles. We're all safe now. MLIA
Today, my teacher told us we would watch a movie and we all cheered. He started the movie. It was a video of him teaching. Touché. MLIA
Today, I was working in a haunted corn maze. As I was hiding, a couple of really obnoxious teenage boys walked by. One turned to his friend and said, "Dude, this is so lame--I'm not going to get scared AT ALL." Right at that moment I jumped out in front of him in full zombie costume. He screamed at the top of his lungs and punched me so hard in the face that I fell over. At least I know he'll survive a zombie attack. MLIA
Today I saw a hot guy that was singing the Pokemon theme song at the top of his lungs during our PE class. I sang along with him and afterwards he came up to me and said, "I chose you, Pikachu," while handing me a pokeball. I opened it and read the message inside. Guess who's got a date for prom? MLIA
Today, my best friend and I found out that our friend, who moved here from England when he was seven, reverts back to his English accent when he gets angry. We spent the rest of the day provoking him; it took him two hours to figure out why. MLIA
Today, my sister and I were hungry so we went through the McDonald's drive-thru. I drive an old, beat-up car, and when we pulled up to the window to get our food, the worker looked at me and sarcastically smirked, "Nice car." Without missing a beat, my ten-year-old sister leaned over the seat and said, "Nice job." That shut him up. MLIA
Today, I realized most of my friends have gotten swine flu, but I have not. They live in the suburbs; I live on a pig farm. MLIA
Today, I bought a fancy new black SUV Hummer. When I went to pick up my son from school, I put on a black suit, dark shades, and my blue-tooth earpiece. I waltzed into his last class ten minutes before it ended, and announced, "Agent 03, it's time to go," at which point he nodded, packed his belongings, and ran out. The expression on his teacher's face was priceless. I only hope my boss understands why I had to miss work. MLIA
Today, I received back a paper that I had spent hours writing. I noticed on the fourth page that my professor circled the word "fitty" (supposed to be fifty). In the margins, he wrote, "This ain't no gangsta schoo, G." I'm in law school. MLIA
Today I was bored so I picked up my Magic 8 ball. After a few rounds of questions, I noticed the warning label on the ball that said: "Not intended as a substitute for a human pregnancy test." I could not stop laughing. MLIA
Today, my uncle accidentally ran over his iPod with the lawn mower. He then collected all the pieces, put them in a ziplock bag, and sent the obliterated iPod to Apple with a note complaining that he couldn't get the iPod to turn on. MLIA
Yesterday, I was handing out candy when a costumeless boy came up and, wondering what he was, I asked. He looked at me with a straight face and said, ''I'm a serial killer. We look like everyone else.'' Easily made my night. MLIA
The brand of tampons I use has cheesy inspirational sayings on the wrappers like, "The sky is the limit" and stuff like that. Today, I noticed one that said "Focus on the positive: at least now you know you're not pregnant." Thanks Playtex Sport. MLIA
Today, I got a call from my grandmother's nursing home at 3 am. The nurse frantically explained to me that my grandmother had taken an older man hostage, requesting chocolate milk for his safe release. You go, Grandma. MLIA
Today, while waiting to be let into our classroom, we realized the door was jammed and the class before us was locked inside. After a team of maintenance men tried drills and hammers, two administrators tried master keys, and one janitor tried to pry it open with a crowbar, the quiet kid in my class took a running leap and karate kicked the door. Guess who got it open? MLIA
Today I cut my leg on a chair at school and got blood on my pants. Four of my friends came up to me and told me seriously that I had gotten my period, and one gave me a tampon. I'm a 15-year-old guy... who goes to an all boys school... who is still wondering where Bobby got that tampon. MLIA
Today I saw a street called Love Lane. It was a dead end. Figures. MLIA
Today I saw a little girl wearing a blonde wig and crazy clothes. At first, I didnt know who she was supposed to be, so I asked her. Her response? "A slut." While I gasped in suprise, her mom ran up and said, "No, no, Kayla! That's a bad word!" Then she turned to me and said, "She's Hannah Montana." I love Halloween. MLIA
Today, I let my cat outside. He usually comes back with a mouse or bird, but today he came back with a fully cooked lobster. It's good to know that my cat has class. MLIA
A while ago I introduced my father to my first boyfriend. The only thing my dad said to him was "If you hurt my daughter, remember I have a shovel and live next to the woods. No one will find the body." Several months later, my boyfriend broke up with me. Today, my dad and I were at Home Depot buying a shovel. My ex saw us, and my dad pointed to the shovel. The look on my ex's face was priceless. MLIA
Today, I realized that Microsoft Word puts the red squiggly line under "Ravenclaw" "Hufflepuff" and "Slytherin" ... but not "Gryffindor". Ten points to Gryffindor. MLIA
Today I walked past a rowdy bunch of big guys with a heap of tattoos, piercings--all that macho stuff. Since I'm a ridiculously short teenage girl, I felt kind of intimidated and so tried to shuffle past without drawing their attention. As I passed them I heard one of them exclaim "Dude, Barbie is heaps cooler than Bratz! What is your PROBLEM?" MLIA
Today I tried number 153 of 333 ways to get kicked out of Wal-Mart. It said to scream in pain until someone comes along and asks what's wrong then act as if nothing happened. I live where there are no Wal-marts so I went to Woolworth's and tried it. As I screamed in agony with my head was in my hands, someone came up behind me and said, "This isn't Wal-mart," patted my shoulder, and walked away. Touché. MLIA
Today, after seeing many MANY cars with the bumper sticker, "We are proud of our A+ honor student," I saw a car with the bumper sticker, "We are deeply ashamed of our B average student." It easily made my day. MLIA
Today, I was trying to outrun a person who was running across the street. I ran into a pole. As the other person pointed and laughed at me, he ran into a stop sign. MLIA
Today my aunt asked my six-year-old cousin what she would do if a stranger pulled up in a van and said, "Hey little girl, do you want some candy?" Her response? "Throw it to me!" Best idea I've ever heard. MLIA
Today was the final day of my class' mock trial. The trial was for a murderer whose defense was that his hand was crippled, disabling him from committing the murder. I was the prosecution and, as I was questioning him for the last time, I asked if he was thirsty and tossed him my water bottle. The student, only pretending to be the murderer, thought nothing of it when he caught the bottle with his "crippled" hand. I rested my case while the jury applauded. MLIA
Today I was volunteering at a nearby elementary school's carnival. They had a DJ operating the songs and at one point, Miley Cyrus's "Party In The USA" came on. One student suddenly dropped to the floor screaming, "MY YOUTH! MY YOUTH! IT'S BEING CORRUPTED!!!" The DJ immediately turned off the music, apologized, and then started a Beatles song. I have faith in today's generation. MLIA
Today, a group of underage college students tried to get into the club where I work as a bouncer with IDs that belonged to Harry Potter, Optimus Prime, Tom Riddle, Fleur Delacour, and Ash Ketchum. Of course I let them all in without question. MLIA
Today, I was running late for class, so I texted my friend and told her to stall the teacher so he wouldn't remember to take roll. I arrived three minutes later to see my teacher and the entire AP statistics class doing the Thriller dance in unison while my friend blasted the song through her iPod speakers. I think I'm going to be late every day. MLIA
Today, while on the NYC subway, a really intimidating thug tapped me on the shoulder when I was changing the song on my iPod. I got really nervous that something bad was about to happen, but I acknowledged him anyway. Turns out he just wanted to show me he had the Glee! soundtrack on his iPod too. MLIA
A week ago I sent in an extension request form for my gas utilities bill. Under the section "reason for extension," I wrote in "attacked by pterodactyls." Today I received a two-week extension notification. Thank you, anonymous Consumers Energy employee. MLIA
Today I was in Australia visiting the zoo. I was on a bridge over a big pit which held saltwater crocodiles. By the railing was a sign that read "Please don't lean on the railing. If the fall doesn't kill you, the crocs sure as hell will." I had to get off the bridge I was laughing so hard. MLIA
Today I was sitting in English class, working in a group, when I mentioned that I was hungry and couldn't wait for class to get out. A guy sitting behind me turned around, pulled out a burger from his coat pocket, and said, "Will this do?" Yes, yes it would, strange burger boy. MLIA
Today, while zipping up my pants, I looked down and noticed that my pants came with instructions on how to wear pants. It's good to know that in a pants emergency, I will never have to worry. MLIA
Now you know of the goodness that is MLIA - go forth and have a perfectly average day.
Today I saw the sun rise 4 times. MLIA.
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't think I get it. What are you supposed to write about?
And yet, despite my confusion, I laughed out loud several times while reading these...
I wish my life were average like this.
ReplyDeleteToday, I was supposed to study but ended up on facebook instead. MLIA.
Today, I read a bit and ate cereal. MLIA.
No, I'm going to stick with the website.